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(Denfaorii 'Hoyalty 'Vlayi H 



QAnd 7/ome 
Came'Ted 

by 
WalterBenUare, 



T. S. T)enhon & Company 

'Publishers • Chicago 

"Price 35 Cent* 




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Plays for Schools and Colleges 

AARON BOGGS, FRESHMAN 

By Walter Ben Hare. Comedy in 3 acts; 8 males, 8 
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AFTER THE GAME~ 

By Lindsey Barbee. Comedy in 2 acts; 1 male, 9 
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AS A WOMAN THINKETH 

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AT THE END OF THE RAINBOW 

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T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

154 West Randolph Street \ CHICAGO 



gAND home came ted 



America — the land we love 
America — all else above 
America the beloved, 
America ! 



^ K S 



DEDICATED TO A LOYAL FRIEND, 

CAn American Soldier, 

Somewhere in France, 

JAMES ARTHUR McCREA 



NOV 16 1917 



And Home Came Ted 



A Comedy of Mystery in Three Acts 
Guaranteed Under the Pure Fun Laws 



BY 

Walter Ben Hare 

AUTHOR OF 
'Aaron Boggs, Freshman," "Abbu San of Old Japan,' 
"Civil Service," "A College Town," "A Country Boy 
Scout, " "The Fascinators, " "Kicked Out of College, " 
"Laughing Water," "Macbeth a la Mode," "Mrs. 
Tubbs of Shanty town," "Parlor Matches," "A 
Poor Married Man," "Rose o' My Heart," 
"A Rustic Romeo, " "Savageland, " "Sew- 
ing for the Heathen, " "A Southern Cin- 
derella, " "The White Christmas, and 
Other Merry Christmas Plays," 
etc., etc. 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



P5 35i5 
■ /1 575 $6 

[ V1 

(Please Read Carefully ^' 

THE professional sta&e-ri&hts in this play 
are strictly reserved by the author, to whom 
applications for its use should he addressed 
in care o£ the publishers. Amateurs may obtain 
permission to produce it on payment o£ a fee of 
ten dollars ($10.00) for each performance, in ad- 
vance. Correspondence on this subject should be 
addressed to T. S. Denison & Company, 154 W. 
Randolph Street, Chicago, 111. 

B o B 

Attention is called to the penalties provided 
by the Copyright Law of the United States of 
America in force July 1, 1909, for any infringe- 
ment of the owner's rights, as follows : 

SEC. 28. That any person who willfully and for profit 
shall infringe any copyright secured by this Act, or who 
shall knowingly and willfully aid or abet such infringe- 
ment, shall be deemed guilty of a misdemeanor, and upon 
conviction thereof shall be punished by imprisonment for 
not exceeding one year or by a fine of not less than one 
hundred dollars nor more than one thousand dollars, or 
both, in the discretion of the court. 



B B B 



COPYRIGHT, 1917, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
All rights reserved 



©CI.D 48343 
NOV 16 1917 

On. I 



AND HOME CAME TED 

A (OMKI)Y IN THREE ACTS FOR SIX MEN AND SIX WOMEN 

CHARACTERS. 

(In the order of their appearance.) 

Skeet Kelly The Clerk 

Diana Garwood The Heiress 

Miss Loganberry The Spinster 

Doctor Stone The Villain 

Aunt Jubilee . . . . . The Cook 

Mr. Man The Mystery 

Jim Ryker The Lawyer 

Mollie Macklin The Housekeeper 

Miss Henrietta Darby ■ The Widow 

Ted The Groom 

Elsie The Bride 

Senator M'Corkle The Father 

Scene: The office and reception room of the Rip 
Van Winkle Inn in the Catskill Mountains. 

Act I. An afternoon in April. What happened 
to Ted? 

Act II. The same night. Who was the burglar? 

Act III. The next morning. Who was Mr. Man ? 

Time of Playing — Two and one-quarter hours. 

THE STORY OF THE PLAY. 

"And Home Came Ted" is a sprightly comedy of 
mystery in which there is an abundance of fun with- 
out any taint of impropriety or any element of of- 
fense. The thrilling story is cleverly written and 
the interest of any audience is held from the begin- 

5 



6 AND HOME CAME TED 

ning to the end by a series of dramatic situations 
rising from one climax to another until the final 
denouement at the close of the last act. 

The action of the comedy occurs at the Rip Van 
Winkle Inn in the Catskill Mountains and the plot 
has to do with a struggle for the legal possession 
of the property between Mollie Macklin, the plucky 
little housekeeper, and one Ira Stone, an unscrupu- 
lous physician, who hopes to turn the Inn into a 
sanitarium. Young Ted Gilmore, according to the 
terms of his grandfather's will, must assume the 
management of the property within one week after 
the reading of the will, or the Inn will be sold at 
public auction. 

The first act of the play takes place on Ted's last 
day of grace and Mollie is in despair because he has 
failed to come home in time. The lawyer is ready 
to turn the property over to Ted, the Inn is full 
of guests, the unscrupulous doctor is anxiously wait- 
ing to see whether or not Ted comes home, and Mollie 
and Skeet Kelly, the hotel clerk, are eagerly waiting 
for the train. It comes, but Ted does not arrive. 
Finally, as a last desperate chance to save the prop- 
erty, Mollie and Skeet persuade a young civil engi- 
neer to impersonate the missing Ted. The plan 
seems to be working out well, the doctor gives up hope 
of turning the Inn into a sanitarium, and all is going 
merry as a marriage-bell when the lawyer explodes 
a bomb by announcing that he is personally ac- 
quainted with Ted. Mollie and Skeet, having already 
introduced the bogus Ted, are at their wits' ends to 
know what to do, when the lawyer mysteriously dis- 
appears and the engineer is formally presented as 
the young heir. 



AND HOME CAME TED 7 

Complications come fast and furious in Act II, for 
the real Ted has been the boyhood lover of a comedy 
old maid and she is anxiously awaiting his return. 
The engineer is kept busy trying to escape from the 
spinster and at the same time trying to further his 
own heart interest in Diana- Garwood, a guest at 
the Inn. Ted comes home and brings a bride with 
him, but the resourceful Mollie hides them in the 
basement. The plot is further complicated by a 
mysterious widow from Honolulu, who has a pen- 
chant for playing the ukulele and singing "Aloha 
Oe" to any man available. She is on the trail of 
Ted and intends to sue him for a breach of promise, 
basing her suit upon a series of letters he has written 
to her. She puts these letters in the hotel safe for 
the night and all the guests retire after an evening 
of dancing in the dining room. Mollie has locked up 
the place for the night and has just put out the 
lights when a noise is heard at the office window. 
Mollie conceals herself and a mysterious form steals 
into the darkened room and begins to rifle the safe. 
Mollie gives the alarm but the mysterious burglar 
escapes and with him the letters written by Ted to 
the lady from Honolulu. 

The third act takes place on the morning after the 
robbery. Slowly, bit by bit, the many mysteries of 
the play are solved, surprise follows surprise and 
the dramatic situations in this act fairly teem with 
life and sustaining interest. A mysterious, deaf old 
farmer appears, the lady from Honolulu leaves but 
unexpectedly turns up in disguise, Ted turns out to 
be someone else, the robber is located, the real Ted 
turns up, the unscrupulous doctor is temporarily 
victorious but later ignominiously routed, and the 



8 AND HOME CAME TED 

faithful little housekeeper, Mollie Macklin, finds the 
road to happiness. 

LIST OF PROPERTIES. 
Act I. 
Hotel desk or counter. 
Keyboard with several keys. 
Register (large book). 
Stationery. 

Curtains at window and doors. 
Fur rugs. 
Settle. 

Two rustic tables. 
Telephone. 
Screen. 

Rocking chair. 

Several easy chairs and rustic chairs. 
Blooming flowers in pots. 
Safe. 

Andirons and fender. 
Auto horn (to be honked outside). 
Sling (white bandage) for Skeet. 
Red sock and knitting needles for Miss L. 
Magazine for Diana. 
Ukulele for Henrietta. 
Basket for Aunt J. 
Large grip for Henrietta. 
Four fancy lemonades on small tray. 
Glass crash (outside). 
Dinner chimes near hotel desk. 
Locket and chain for Miss L. 

Act II. 

Grips for Ted. 

Phonograph (off stage at L.). 



AND HOME CAME TED 

Lunch on tray. 

Small jewel-case containing letters for 

Henrietta. 
•Candle for Aunt J. 
Electric flashlight for Jim. 
Lighted lamp for Aunt J. 

Act III. 
Broom for 'Aunt J. 
Glass of water for Skeet. 
Pack of cards for Jim. 
Dinner bell on counter for Mouxie. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Skeet^A slangy, good-natured boy of about 19, 
obviously from the East Side of New York City. 
Act I :* Gray trousers, too tight and too short, black 
jersey, gaudy hose, low yellow shoes. Same costume 
in Acts II and III, except change for a misfit dress 
suit in Act II, as indicated in the text of the play. 
His right arm is in a sling during the entire play. 
He wears a cap when going to the village. 

Diana — A dashing, self-reliant, athletic girl of 
20, preferably a blonde. Act I: Pale green and 
white outing costume. Act II : Elaborate white and 
silver evening dress with white cloak or lace shawl 
when she exits C. D. Act III: Pretty light colored 
morning dress. 

Miss L. — A kittenish old maid of 43, hair gray 
and arranged in an exaggerated fashion. Large li- 
brary spectacles throughout play. Act I: Gaudy 
afternoon dress, change to trailing dinner dress of 
bright color. Red feather in hair and red feather 
fan. Act III : Gaudy morning toilette. 

Doctor — A chunky villain, aged 40, with iron 



10 AND HOME CAME TED 

gray hair, bushy eyebrows and a down-curving mus- 
tache a la Bismarck. Act I: Afternoon suit, light 
overcoat, derby hat, change to dinner clothes. Act 
III: Same as first suit in Act I. 

Aunt J. — A negro mammy. Her height and 
general figure should resemble Henrietta's. Old 
shoes, calico dress, kerchief, apron and bandana or 
dust cap in Act I. Change to white party dress as 
indicated in Act II of the text. In Act III she wears 
her first dress, with large ruffled dust cap. Change 
to auto cap, gloves, veil and long auto coat at point 
indicated in play. 

Man — A rather tall, good looking, athletic chap 
of 23. Act I: Laced boots, brown trousers, brown 
flannel shirt, old brown coat and felt hat. Large 
grip. Change to dinner clothes. In Act III, 'a neat 
morning suit. 

Jim — A typical business man of 25. Act I : Neat 
afternoon suit, change to dinner clothes. Act II : A 
complete change in make-up and costume. Gray or 
white wig and whiskers. Old-fashioned boots. Farmer 
suit of gray or tan, celluloid collar, large Stetson 
hat, long old-fashioned overcoat, red bandana. Walk 
with a cane and bend over. The voice should be com- 
pletely changed when he is disguised as the farmer. 
Much care should be given to this farmer imper- 
sonation, as the success of the play depends on the 
deception of the audience by this character. In the 
burglar scene he must make another change as the 
audience must not be allowed to suspect that the bur- 
glar is either Jim or the farmer. 

Mollie — A vivacious, self-reliant, country girl of 
20. Act I : Simple dark street dress, hat and gloves. 
Act II: Simple evening dress with white lace collar. 



AND HOME CAME TED 11 

Act III: Similar to Act I. Note: Do not overdress 
this part. Any fairly competent actress can win the 
audience entirely in this character without the super- 
ficial aids of elaborate make-up or costuming. 

Henrietta— A striking brunette of 26. Act I: 
Long traveling coat and elaborate hat. Quick change 
to brilliant dinner dress cut en traine. Act III : Elab- 
orate morning gown at first, then quick change to 
Jubilee's calico dress, apron and large ruffled cap. 
This cap should hide the face as much as possible 
and she should not face the audience until the climax 
of her scene with Ted. Therefore a blackened face 
is not necessary, but black gloves might add to the 
illusion. Change again on last entrance to long coat 
and hat of her first appearance. 

T E i>— Quick in action and speech. A young man 
of 22. Elaborate walking suit throughout play. 
Neat hat, gloves, etc. 

Elsie— Nervous and very excited at all times. 
Neat traveling dress and coat. Lace blouse. Hand- 
some hat. Small satchel. 

Senator— Aged 50. Very pompous and com- 
manding. Gray wig and mustache. Face well made 
up. Neat walking suit suitable to age and station. 
Eyeglasses and cane. 



12 AND HOME CAME TED 



Interior Back. 

Window Interior Backing 




STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right 
center ; L., left ; 1 E., first entrance ; U. E., upper 
entrance ; R. 3 E., right entrance, up stage, etc. ; up 
stage, away from footlights ; down stage, near foot- 
lights. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 



AND HOME CAME TED 

The First Act. 

Scene — The office and reception room of the Rip 
Van Winkle Inn in the Catskill Mountains. There 
are three openings in the boxed interior set, L., 
R. and C. C. leads into a rear hallway with open- 
ings R. to veranda and L. to front yard. The 
other two openings, R. and L., are about half-way 
back, the R. leading upstairs (stairs may be vis- 
ible if desired) and the L. leading to the dining 
room. 
In the upper L. corner of the stage is the hotel office 
desk, with mail-box, keys, register, stationery, etc. 
Behind this desk, and concealed from the audience, 
is a trap-door supposed to lead to the basement. 
If the trap is not easily arranged, it could be simu- 
lated by the performer, who is supposed to descend 
into the basement, bending his knees and gradu- 
ally disappearing, -finally crawling out of a con- 
cealed hole in upper L. corner. 
A large fireplace, preferably of rough stone, appears 
at R. midway between footlights and the door R. 
A large window appears in upper R. corner, show- 
ing mountains beyond. This window is about two 
feet from the floor and must be arranged to be 
easy of access as several characters make quick 
exits through it. Tapestry curtains are draped 
in front of the window and over entrances R. and 
L. Pur rugs on the floor. 
For furniture use a bark-covered rustic porch set if 
possible. Large settle faces fireplace. Rustic table 
13 



14 AND HOME CAME TED 

up R. with small chair before it and a telephone 
on it. This table is concealed by a three-paneled 
screen. Larger table down L. C. Rocking chair 
R. C. Several rustic chairs around the stage. 

Pots of bright flowers, palms, etc., appear at con- 
venient nooks. Stag horns and a few framed pic- 
tures on walls. Small office safe near desk. And- 
irons, fender, etc., in front of fireplace. 

Lights on full throughout the first act. Stage well 
illuminated by foots and borders, as the time is 
mid-afternoon. Strong bunch of yellows shine 
through the window and C. D. 

Discovered: Skeet Kelly seated back of desk up L., 
sound asleep with his head on the desk. His right 
arm is in a sling. Miss Loganberry is seated in 
rocking-chair at R. C., knitting a red woolen sock, 
and Diana Garwood is seated on the settle half 
facing the fire and half facing the audience. She 
is reading a magazine. 

The curtain rises to orchestral music, "Farewell to 
Thee ("Aloha Oe"), the national song of Hawaii. 
Bird calls are heard and the distant clamor of cow- 
bells. 

Enter Doctor Stone from C. D., wearing auto 
cap, coat and gloves. He advances briskly to the 
desk. 

Skeet Kelly. 
(Gives a subdued snore.) 
Ah, hum! (End music.) 

Doctor Stone. 
(Raps briskly on the desk.) 
Hello, hello! Is anybody home? 



AND HOME CAME TED 15 

Skeet. 
(Awakens suddenly, rubs eyes, yawns and stretches.) 
I'm home. Jest as I was goin' to fall heir to fifty 
million dollars and marry the lady of me choice, I 
gotta go and wake up. 

Doctor. 
(Sharply.) 
What are you doing, running a summer hotel or 
a sleeping car on the C. & A.? 
Skeet. 
Aw, who's lettin' off all that steam? Whatcher 
think y' are, the twelve o'clock whistle? 
Doctor. 

I want Room 10. 

Skeet. 
(Pushes the register toward him.) 
Go as far as y' like. It ain't nailed down. 
(Doctor registers. Diana comes down R. to Miss L.) 
Miss Loganberry. 
That's the doctor from the village. His name's 
Stone. He's a perfect barbarian. {Starts to rise.) 
I'll introduce you. 

Diana Garwood. 
Is he the man who treated Mollie Macklin, our 
little housekeeper, so shamefully? 
Miss L. 
(Knitting.) 
Yes. They were engaged, but when he found out 
that old Mr. Gilmore forgot to remember her in his 
viK— (pauses). Diana 

(Completing the sentence with withering scorn.) 
He threw her down and broke the heart of one of 
the finest girls that ever lived. 



16 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 
He's probably here to welcome Teddy home. I've 
heard that he's trying to buy the old Inn and make 
it over into a sanitarium. He'll probably be here 
for some time. You'd better let me introduce him. 

{Before Diana has time to reply, Doctor comes 
down L. C. to Miss L.) 

Doctor. 
{Pleasantly.) 
Ah, Miss Loganberry, still knitting for the 
heathen? Miss L. 

{Sharply.) 
Yes. Is there anything I can make for you? 
Doctor. 
{Not catching the fling.) 
Beg pardon? Skeet. 

{Laughs.) 
Ha, ha! Right on the solar plexus. 

Doctor. 
Oh, you mean that I'm a heathen? {Laughs in a 
forced manner.) That's good. Awfully clever. 
{Glances at Diana, then back to Miss L.) Well, if 
you want to make something for me, you might make 
an introduction. {Smiles at Diana.) 

Diana. 
{Turns her back to him, walks to rear, then to desk.) 
Oh, Skeet, would you mind telling me the correct 
time? My watch has stopped. {She converses with 
Skeet in pantomime.) 

Doctor. 
{After a slight pause.) 
Hm! Well, what do you know about that? Who 
is the high and mighty princess, anyhow? 



AND HOME CAME TED 17 

Miss L. 

I suppose you are referring to Miss Garwood. 

Doctor. 

(Surprised,) 

Not Diana Garwood? 

Miss L. 
{Pointedly.) 
Miss Diana Garwood. 

Doctor. 
What's she doing here? Going to donate a couple 
of million to the Rip Van Winkle Inn ? Well, it needs 
it. If the new boss doesn't show up tonight it'll be 
up at auction in the morning. I'll have to make her 
acquaintance. {Turns up L. toward Skeet.) Boy ! 
{Pause, then louder.) Boy! (Skeet pays no atten- 
tion to him.) Front! 

Skeet. 

{Calmly.) 

The boy ain't here. He's off on a summer cruise 

in the -Holy Land. You'll find your room up one 

flight, second door to the left. {Talks in pantomime 

to Diana.) Doctor. 

That's the usual accommodation one gets in this 
hole. {Crosses to R. E.) You'll find a traveling bag 
in my car. Bring it up to my room, and don't be 
all day about it. {Exits R., banging door.) 
Miss L. 
{Rising.) 
Ugh ! I can't tolerate that man. Just as soon as 
Ted comes home I hope he'll send him about his busi- 
ness. The last time he was here my Gertrude took a 
terrible dislike to him. {Crossing to R. E.) They 
simply couldn't' get along together at all, and every 
one knows that Gertrude has the disposition of an 



18 AND HOME CAME TED 

angel. He saw her in the hall one day and deliber- 
ately stepped on her tail. She bit him in the vesti- 
bule and they haven't been on friendly terms since. 
{EaAt R.) gKEET _ 

(Comes down L. from behind desk.) 
Did you hear what that fish called me? Boy! I'd 
like to put a head on him. 

Diana. 

(Comes down R. C.) 

I wonder what he's here for. I should think he'd 

be ashamed to look honest Mollie Macklin in the face. 

Skeet. 

(Comes down to her, L.) 

Wh y ? Diana. 

Didn't you know? He was the man Mollie was 
engaged to. g KEET _ 

I never knew she was engaged to any man. 
Diana. 

It was broken off. He expected old Mr. Gilmore 
to leave her a fortune, because she had worked for 
him for fifteen years, but when he found out that 
she wasn't mentioned in the will, he broke the en- 
gagement. Skeet< 

(After a pause looks at right arm.) 
And me with me right mitt in a sling. I gotta 
notion to beat him up anyway. So he t'rowed her 
down, did he ? The rat ! I'd like to hammer him to 
a jelly and then fling him at her feet. 
Diana. 
It was a lucky escape for Mollie. She's too good 
a girl to throw herself away on such a cad. She's a 
girl in a million. 



AND HOME CAME TED 19 

Skeet. 

(Grasps her right hand with his left and shakes it.) 

Thank y', miss. Thank y' for them words. 

Diana. 

(Surprised.) 

Why, Skeet, what is it? 

Skeet. 

(Bashfully twists his left foot around and looks at it, 

grinning. ) 

Hm? 

Diana. 

What's the matter with you ? 

Skeet. 

I dunno what it is. I'm jes' like the liberty bell, 

I guess — cracked clean across. 

Diana. 

You're not in love with Mollie, are you? (Pause.) 

Are you, Skeet? Skeet. 

I dunno what y' call it, but every time she looks at 

me, gee! I feel jes' like a mule kicked in the left side 

a' me chest. Diana. 

How did you happen to come up here to work, 

Skeet? You're from the city, aren't you? 

Skeet. 

Sure. I come up here with a tunnel gang, but I 

had a accident over on the hill and Miss Mollie gave 

me a job here when the Inn opened Monday. 

Diana. 

What kind of an accident ? 

Skeet. 

We had a cave-in at the end of the tunnel, and I 

caved in with it. I fell, about twenty feet ; but that 



20 AND HOME CAME TED 

wasn't the worst. You see the men in the tunnel 

was blasting and I fell right alongside of a lighted 

fuse. _ 

Diana. 

(Alarmed.) 

Skeet ! 

3KEET. 

(Seriously.) 
Y' see I was workin' up above with the boss when 
all of a sudden the top caved in and I landed twenty 
feet below with me arm twisted under like that. (Il- 
lustrates with left arm.) I was stunned by the fall, 
but I could smell the smoke of the burning fuse. The 
charge of dynamite wasn't more'n two feet from m' 
face. Gee, miss, I shut m' eyes and tried to think, 
but I couldn't think. I tried to shout, but the words 
wouldn't come — and all the time the fuse was burnin' 
closer and closer to the keg. I heard someone holler 
high overhead and then the boss slid down on a rope, 
facing death every second of the time. He grabbed 
me and they pulled us up. He was just in time. A 
minute later the charge exploded and blew out the 
whole end of the tunnel. 

Diana. 
( Enthusiastically. ) 
Oh, Skeet, it was grand. He was a hero. He 
saved your life at the risk of his own. I never heard 
of anything so noble. 

Skeet. 
There ain't nothin' I wouldn't do fer him, miss. 
Why, I'd. cut off my right arm this minute if the boss 
wanted me to. 

Enter Aunt Jubij.ee from L. 



AND HOME CAME TED 21 

Aunt Jubilee. 
(At L.) 

'Scusc me, Mistah Skcct, but is any ob you-all 
done seen Miss Mollic? 

Skeet. 
She grabbed the little tin-lizzie by the horns, give 
it a kick and pushed the button. Honk ! Honk ! 
Down at the station. 

Aunt J. 
(Puzzled.) 
Grabbed Lizzie who? 

Skeet. 
{At L. C.) 
The joy wagon, the gasoline cart, the baby rat- 
tler, the coal-hod on wheels, the two-by-four ! Get 

me? Aunt J. 

Two-by-four? Boy, what kinda talk you talkin' 

t0 me? Skeet. 

Gee, I gotta talk kindergarten to you. She took 
the automobile and drove it over to the station to 
meet the five o'clock train. 

Aunt J. 

I'm habin' a little trouble wif dat ole range in d' 
kitchin. It don't draw and it's smokin' sumpin spas- 

modic ' Skeet. 

What's the matter with it ? 
Aunt J. 

'Deed and I dunno whether it's de disintegrity ob 
d' stove-pipe, or if d' flue done got supercruscated. 

Skeet. 
Stir yer talk, auntie ; stir yer talk ; it's gettin' 
lumpy. 



22 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 
If I's gotta talk kindergarten to you, den d' range 
is smokin'. gKEET< • 

No smokin' allowed in the kitchen. I'll go out and 
see what the trouble is. I'm the original little range- 
fixer from Hoboken. (Dramatically.) Fair daughter 
of the desert, I will lead the way, and fix the range 
before another day. (Stalks out at L.) 

Aunt J. 
(Looks after him, pauses.) 
Dat boy's gettin' too familiaritous with me, and 
he's gotta stop it. 'Kase if he don't I'm gwine to 
bust him on de head wif a flat-iron. (Exit L., mut- 
tering to herself.) 

Mr. Man appears at C. D. from R. He comes 
down L. C. and looks at Diana, who is seated R. C. 
absorbed in thought. 

Mr. Man. 
Excuse me, is Skeet Kelly anywhere around? 
Diana. 
(Who started at the sound of his voice.) 
Oh, how you startled me. 
Man. 
(Smiles.) 
I'm sorry. DlANA 

I'm nervous this afternoon. I just heard a story 
that affected me very much. It happened over there 
at the new tunnel. Have you seen it? 
Man. 
Yes. I helped dig it. 

Diana. 
There was an accident, a cave-in. Is that right? 



AND HOME CAME TED 23 

Man. 
(Smiles.) 

It isn't right, but it happens occasionally. 

Diana. 
Skcet fell down into the tunnel right near a keg 
of dynamite, and the manager went down and res- 
cued him, facing death at every second. Wasn't that 
glorious? He must be a man among men. {Pause, 
she looks at him.) Isn't he? 
Man. 
Well — er — {hesitates) he's a man, all right. 

Diana. 
You don't seem very enthusiastic. I think it was 
wonderful. I call him a hero, don't you? 
Man. 
I've heard him called worse things than that. 

Diana. 
Such nerve, such presence of mind, such strength. 
He went down there all alone and brought Skeet 
up to safety. Man 

Yes, I know about it. 

Diana. 
Do you know him? ,, 

Yes - Diana. 

Intimately? Man 

Rather intimately. tj iana> 

I wonder if you'd take a message to him. A mes- 
sage from me. Man 

A message? DlANA 

Yes. Tell him that a girl whom he doesn't know 
and who he probably never will meet thinks that his 



24 AND HOME CAME TED 

action is worthy of a Carnegie medal. Tell him I 
think he is a man among men and that .1 am proud 
to belong to a country that breeds such men. 
(Pause.) You'll tell him, won't /ou? 

Man. 

(Looking at her earnestly, much impressed, speaks 
slowly.) 
Yes, I'll tell him. DlANA 

Thank you. I think Skeet is in the kitchen. I'll 
find him for you. (Exits L.) 

Man. 

(Looks after her, pauses, slowly smiles.) 
Proud to belong to a country that breeds such 
men. (Throws his shoulders back.) Yes, I'll tell him. 
(Crosses to door L., looking out after Diana.) 

Enter Jim Ryker from R t . He goes to the desk 
and looks at the register. 

Jim Ryker. 
I wonder if Ted got in on the evening train. 
(Comes down C.) Man 

(Comes to L. C, recognizes Jim.) 
Jim Ryker! Jm 

Well, by George! (They shake hands heartily.) 

Man. 

Are you alive? Jm 

Quite. Man 

But I heard you had been drowned in Honolulu. 

Jim. 
Yes, that's what everybody heard. In Honolulu 
they still believe it is true. 



AND HOME CAME TED 25 

Man. 
Is your wife with you ? 

Jim. 

(Glances around L. and B., comes close to Max and 

speaks confidentially.) 

Not my wife, my widow. 

Man. 

Widow? Jim. 

That's the reason I was drowned. 

Man. 
I don't understand. Jm 

(Earnestly.) 
Old man, take a little tip from me. Don't ever 
marry a Honolulu widow. I stood it as long as I 
could, three months, to be exact, and then one dark 
ml d stormy night I (careless gesture with both 
hands) mysteriously disappeared. 
Man. 
Then it was all a fake? 

Jim. 
It was the only way I could get rid of her. You 
know these widows; they hang on like grim death 
There was no chance for a divorce She wouldn 
think of a separation, so I just got drowned, that 
was the easiest way out. One night I went in swim- 
ming and the next morning they found my clothes 
on the beach. In the meantime I caught a vessel and 
returned to the States at once. 
Man. 
Why were you so anxious to get rid of her? 

Jim. 
She was too affectionate. Every night she used 
to get her little ukulele and sing (smgs) "Farewell 



26 AND HOME CAME TED 

to thee, farewell to thee." That's what gave me the 
idea. I thought I'd give her something to sing fare- 
well about. Man 

Maybe she'll follow you over here. 
Jim. 

Oh, no. She'll never learn that I'm alive. She's 
probably singing "Farewell to Thee" to somebody 
else now. Man _ 

I should think she would have been suspicious when 
the body didn't turn up. 

Jim. 

Not at all. She thinks that I furnished the salad 
course for the meal of an avaricious but well mean- 
ing shark. Man 

Are you going back to her? 
Jim. 

Back to her? After all the trouble I've taken to 
provide her with widow's weeds and black crepe? I 
should say not. Half the world is between us and 
that's the way I want it to be. I'm here in the Cats- 
kill Mountains and she is probably singing "Fare- 
well to Thee" to some other poor sucker in the moon- 
light on the shore at Waikiki {pronounced Wdh-Tca- 

kee ')- Man. 

I'm awfully glad to see you, old man. I suppose 
you're making a big success as a lawyer? 

Jim. 
Oh, I manage to keep the wolf from the door. But 
what are you doing dressed up like that? 
Man. 
I'm an engineer. Jm 

A civil engineer? 



AND HOME CAME TED 27 

Man. 

Well, I'm not as civil as I might be. The governor 
wanted me to begin at the bottom of the ladder, so 
he sent me up here with a gang of men to tunnel a 
hole through the mountain. 

Jim. 
How do you like it? 

Man. 
Not bad. We finished the job this morning, so 
now I'm free to do what I like. I think I'll stay here 

at the Inn for awhile. T 

Jim. 

That's right. It's a fine old place. 

Man. 
There are several attractions for me here. 

Jim. 
Attractions? Man 

I mean the mountain air and other considerations. 

Jim. 
The other considerations consist of an old maid, 
a negro cook, a housekeeper and Miss Diana Gar- 

wood - Man. 

Diana Garwood! So that was Diana Garwood. 

Jim. 
Yes. Don't you know her? 
Man. 
No, I never saw her before today. I've been knock- 
ing about the West ever since college. And then her 
family and my family are not exactly {hesitates). 

Jim. 
She's Senator M'Corkle's niece. 

Man. 
Yes, I know, and the Senator and my governor 



28 AND HOME CAME TED 

haven't been looking at each other for twenty years. 
They fell out over a law suit years ago and never 
have fallen in again. x 

Miss Garwood is a wonderful girl. 
Man. 
{Slowly. ) 
She is — a wonderful girl. 
Jim. 
But cold as an iceberg. She won't have anything 
to do with men. * Man 

Perhaps she hasn't met the man yet. 

Jim. 
I think with her fortune that the man in her case 
would probably be an Italian prince or an English 



luke. 



Man 



Not much chance for a civil engineer, is there? 
Especially if he's not very civil. 

Jim. 
Say, you've got it bad. Come up to my room and 
have a Mamie Taylor. 

Man. 
I thought this was a temperance hotel. 
Jim. 
{Laughs.) 
It is. They serve their Mamie Taylors in tea cups. 

Enter Skeet from L. 

Skeet. 
{AtL.) 
The boss! {Shakes hands at C. with Man.) Gee, 
I'm glad to see you. How's everything over at the 
tunnel? 



AND HOME CAME TED 29 

Man. 
Finished the job. this morning. The men are leav- 
ing tonight. Do you want to go back to New York? 
Skeet. 
I should say not. I'm perfectly satisfied with the 
mountains. Man 

You're the clerk here, aren't you, Skeet? 
Skeet. 
(Szcclls up.) 
D' sekketery. That's me. I'm th' sekketery. 

Man. 
I suppose you have a room for me? 

Skeet. 
Sure, we have. You kin have the whole house if 
you want it. I'll give you the bridal chamber. 
(Goes to R.) It's up this way. Here, let me carry 
yer grip. 

Enter Aunt J. from L. with basket. 
Aunt J. 
Mistah Skeet! Skeet 

Yeh. I got you. (Crosses to her.) What can I 
do for you now, my little mahogany mermaid? 
Aunt J. 
Please, sah, kin you git me a basketful o' 'taters 
from down in de basement. De perpendicularity ob 
dem basement steps is kinder exasperatin' to d' ro- 
tundity ob mah latitude. 

Skeet. 
Just a minute, Juliet, until I show this gent to 
his room. j 

Never mind, Skeet. Give me the key. I'll show 
him up. Come on. (Exit R.) 



30 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Skeet, if you go down in the basement, look out 
for the rotundity of your latitude. (Laughs and 

exits R ') Skeet. 

Gimme the basket. {Takes it, goes behind coun- 
ter and goes, down through the trap. See note at the 
beginning of act.) AuNT j 

He's a man, he is, and he ain't afraid to go down 
in dat basement in de dark. But I's done heerd 
noises and rattles and groans down in dat basement, 
and dis yere cullud lady ain't gwine to trust herself 
among spooks. 

Enter Miss L. from R., wearing trailing dinner 

dress ' Miss L. 

Has he come yet, Aunt Jubilee? 

Aunt J. 
No'm, not yet. Dem 'taters is way in de back 
part ob de basement. 

Miss L. 
I mean Ted. AlTNT j 

No'm, I don't reckon he's come, neither. Miss 
Mollie done drove over in de tin-lizzie two-by-four 
to meet him at de depot. 

Miss L. 

Oh, I'm so impatient. How do I look, Aunt Jubi- 
lee? How do you like my new dinner costume? (Re- 
volves slowly.) AuNT j 

Mighty perpendicular, mighty perpendicular. Dat 
cert'n'y am a lovely cos-toom. 
Miss L. 

I put it on for him. He hasn't seen me for over 
seven years, but he'll remember, he'll remember. 



AND HOME CAME TED 31 

Skeet comes up from trap with basket. 

Skeet. 
(Handing basket to Aunt J.). 
There, my little Killarney shamrock, there's the 
spuds. AuNT J 

Don't you git so pestiferous wif me, boy, 'kase if 
you do, I'm liable to exasperate you. 
Skeet. 

Back to the kitchen, Tessie Bell, you talk like a 
load of hay. ArNT j 

I might be a load ob hay, boy, but I cert'n'y ain' 
gwine to be took in by no young rake like you. 
(Tosses head airily and exits L.) 
Miss L. 
(At R.) 
Skeet, is the afternoon train on time? 

Skeet. 
Yes'm, it's been in twenty minutes. 

Miss L. 
Oh, I wonder if anything could have happened to 
Teddy. Hadn't you better go over to the station 
and see? Skeet. 

Maybe Miss Mollie had a puncture. 

Miss L. 

(Blankly.) 

A puncture? Miss Mollie? 

Skeet. 

I mean the car. Maybe the car had a puncture. 

Miss L. 
Skeet, I want you to do me a favor. 

Skeet. 
What is it? 



32 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 
As soon as young Mr. Ted arrives I want you to 
take him aside and tell him, just casually you know, 
that I am here. g^™,™ 

OKE fc. I . 

Tell him you're here. I got y'. Anything else? 

Miss L. 

Yes. (Comes closer' to him, takes his arm and 
speaks in a half whisper.) Yes; tell him I still have 
it here. (Places hand over her heart.) Right next 
to my heart. g KEET _ 

I dunno what it Is, but I'll bet a dollar that's the 
safest place on earth. 

(Honk of auto horn heard outside C.) 

Miss L. 

Here comes the housekeeper now and he is with 
her. Oh, I'm so nervous. 

Moelie Mackun. 
(Outside C.) 

Skeet! Skeet. 

Yes'm. (Exits C. D. to R.) 

Miss L. 
I can't meet him. Be still, my little fluttering 
heart, be still. I think I had better go to my room 
and compose myself. (Exit R.) 

Moleie Macklin appears at C. D. She speaks 
over her shoulder and comes down L. 

MoLEIE. 

Come in and make yourself at home. 

Miss Henrietta Darby enters C. D., followed by 
Skeet, carrying large gripe 



AND HOME CAME TED 33 

Henrietta Darby. 

{Near desk.) 

Thank you. Moixie. ' 

Skeet, take the lady's grip to Parlor B. 

Skeet. 

{At rear C.) 

1 SCC ' B ' MOLLIE. 

Not I, C, B, just letter B. 

Skeet. 

Let 'er be! Gee, I ain't even smiled at her yet. 

(Henrietta registers.) 

Mollie. 

Skeet, have you heard anything of Ted Gilmore? 

Skeet. 

Not a word. I thought he was coming with you. 

Mollie. 

So did I. And that's the last train tonight. Oh, 

just wait till I lay hands on that boy, that's all. He 

makes me so mad. {Has removed her hat and jabs 

it with hatpins viciously as she speaks.) 

Skeet. 

{A little closer to her.) 

The doctor's here. , r 

iMollie. 

What doctor? Stone? 

Skeet. 

Yes. He's a fresh fish, ain't he? I put him in 

Room 10. Mollie. 

{Fiercely.) 

I'd like to put him behind the bars for life. 

Henrietta. 

{Comes down R., looking around.) 

What a pretty place. 



34 AND HOME CAME TED 

Mo I, LIE. 

{Goes back of desk, removes coat, gloves, etc.) 
Yes, it is. Henrietta. 

I believe I'll go up to my room. 

Molue. 
(Takes key from rack and gives it to Skeet.) 
Skeet, show Miss Darby up. 

Henrietta. 
Thank you. g KEET 

(Crosses to door R. with funny walk.) 

Walk this way. tt,,™.™, m 

J Henrietta. 

(Laughs.) 
Walk that way? I couldn't if I tried. 
Skeet. 
(To audience.) 
Gee, she's a live one, all right, all right. I guess 
this job of hotel clerk's goin' to be worth the money, 
even if I don't git a cent. 

Henrietta. 
What is the rate for Parlor B ? 

MOLLIE. 

Five dollars a day. 

Henrietta. 
Isn't that a little high? 

Skeet. 
(At door It.) 
We have to be high. It's a high mountain. 
Henrietta. 
(Down to him a little.) 
It must be awfully cold up here in the winter. 
Don't you find it so? 



AND HOME CAME TED 35 

Skeet. 
Who? Me? No'm, not at all. I live right on top 
of the range, the mountain range. 
Henrietta. 
(Laughs.) 
I believe you and I are going to be real good 
friends. Skeet. 

I'm always friends with every pretty girl I meet. 
Henrietta. 
(Laughs.) 
Girl ! Now I'm sure we'll be friends, Mr. Skeet. 

Skeet. 
Aw, tie a can on that mister stuff. To me friends 
I'm just plain Skeet. 

Moleie. 
We serve dinner in about forty-five minutes. You'd 
better get a gait on, Skeet. 

Skeet. 
Jellix, I'll bet a doughnut. This way, Miss. 
(Exit It.) Henrietta. 

Do we have to dress for dinner? 

Mollie. 
We generally do. 

Henrietta. 
Are there any men here? 

Moi/lie. 
Yes, there's one so far. And a Doctor Stone. 

Henrietta. 
The doctor evidently is not a very close friend. 

Moleie. 
Close? Take it from me, he's the closest man you 
ever saw. 



36 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
How far is Minerva Seminary from here? 

Mollie. 
Just eight miles down the mountain. 

Henrietta. 
I must visit it. It's quite an aristocratic seminary 
for young ladies, isn't it? 

Mollie. 
Yes. It's a finishing school. It teaches them how 
to finish people who aren't their equals in society. 
Henrietta. 
Well, if dinner is to be at six, I'll have to hurry. 
(Exits R.) 

Soft music in orchestra, "Farezvell to Thee" 
("Aloha Oe"). Mollie sighs, slowly crosses over to 
-fireplace and looks in the fire pensively. She sighs 
again. Enter Doctor from R. in dinner clothes. He 
starts to exit C. and then sees Mollie who has her 
bade toward him. He removes his hat and comes to- 
ward her with extended hand. 
Doctor. 
Ah, Mollie. (Mollie starts a little, straightens 
up and turns toward him, looking down.) I see 
you're back again. It's been some time since I saw 
you. (She slowly raises her eyes until they meet his, 
she gazes at him steadily, sadly. There is a pause. 
He turns away slightly). I don't bear you any hard 
feelings, Mollie. In fact there isn't any reason on 
earth why we shouldn't be friends. (She turns Iter 
head away, but is silent.) Of course things didn't 
turn out as I expected. 

Mollie. 
(Bitterly.) 
No, I wasn't mentioned in the will. 



AND HOME CAME TED 37 

Doctor. 
(At R. C.) 

We'd never have been happy together as man and 
wife, struggling along on a miserable pittance. I'm 
a poor man, Mollie. ^ J()T/LIE> 

(With a double meaning.) 

Yes, you are a poor man. 

Doctor. 
(Takes a step torcard her.) 
Can't we be friends? 

Mollie. 

No - Doctor. 

I'm sorry if I have offended you. 

Mollie. 
( In terrup t ing s a dly . ) 
Sorry? No, you're not sorry. The only tiling 
you regret is that I wasn't named in Mr. Gilmore's 
will. You cared nothing for me. You never cared 
for me, all you thought about was the old gentleman's 
money. Sorry ! You don't know the meaning of 
the word. 

Enter Skeet from C. D. He goes back of desk un- 
observed. 

Doctor. 
I only acted for the best. 

Mollie. 
(Bitterly.) 

Yes, you acted. It was all acting from the very 
beginning. I thought you cared. I was a fool. 
Your every look, your every action, your every word 
was — a — li e ! ( En d music . ) 



38 AND HOME CAME TED 

Doctor. 
Well, I'm not here to argue with you. It's no use 
to bandy words with a woman. They're all pretty 
playthings, but they won't listen to reason. 
Mollie. 
{Bitterly, but sadly.) 
Yes, pretty playthings to amuse you for an hour, 
and then to be tossed aside like a broken toy, with 
never a glance, never a word of kindness, never a 
thought of a woman's breaking heart. {Turns, leans 
on fireplace and sobs.) 

Doctor. 
{Turns up to C. D., turning to R. away from 
SkEet.) 
Well, if you won't listen to me — 
Mollie. 
{Faces him, speaking loudly.) 
Listen to you? I did listen to you ! I trusted you 
and believed in you — and now! {Turns away sob- 
bing.) Doctor. 

You'll feel better in the morning, Mollie. You're 
nervous tonight. I'll stroll out in the garden and 
keep a lookout for the coming heir. This is his last 
night of grace. If Ted Gihnore isn't here to assume 
charge of this place by midnight, it will be sold at 
public auction in the morning. The last train's in, 
but the young man evidently doesn't care a hang 
what becomes of the old place. Too bad, too bad. 
{Strolls out C. D. and off R.) 

Mollie sobs softly with her face on mantel. Skeet 

comes to R. C. 

Skeet. 

{Sympathetically.) 

What's the matter, Mollie? 



AND HOME CAME TED 39 

MOLLIE. 

(Looks up, tearfully.) 
N-othing. Skeet. 

Did that guy say anything to you, Mollie? 

MOLLIE. 

No, it isn't that. Skeet. 

Are you still worrying about him? (Pause.) 
Ain't there something I can do? You're all alone, 
Mollie, and something's bothering you. Let me help 
you. I know I ain't much but, gee, I'd do anything 
in the world fer you. 

Moeeie. 
You can't help me, Skeet. There isn't any help. 
This is the end, I guess. There's only one thing left 
for me to do, to go away. 

Skeet. 
Go away? Moleie. 

Yes, I want to see new places, new faces. I want 
to go where I'll meet new people, people who won't 
pity me, people who'll allow me to live in peace and 
forget my troubles. . Skeet. 

Gee, do you care for him as much as that? 

Moelie. 
Care for him? For Ira Stone? I hate him! I 
don't give him a thought. It isn't that, it's some- 
thing else. (Crosses to L.) 

Skeet. 
(Goes to L. C.) 
And ain't there nothin' I can do? 

Moelie. 
No. There's nothing anyone can do, except Ted 
Gilmore. 



40 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
What's he got to do with it? 
Mollie. 
He's got to be here tonight to take charge of the 
Inn. He wrote last week from New York saying he'd 
be here without fail today, and now the last train is in 
and it's too late. Skeet. 

Why does he have to be here tonight? 

Mollie. 
In order to save the old Inn from being sold at 
auction tomorrow. Oh, I couldn't stand it if that 
would happen. That's why I want to go away. 

Skeet. 
Don't the Inn belong to Mr. Ted? 

Mollie. 
It does on one condition. His grandfather left 
him all his property on condition that he should as- 
sume charge of the place within one week after the 
reading of the will. The old gentleman was as good 
as a father to me for fifteen years. The day before 
lie died he called me to him and said, "Mollie, I'm 
leaving everything to my grandson Teddy. I 
haven't seen him in seven years and folks say he's 
pretty wild, but I've made certain conditions in my 
will that'll settle him down, and I want you to stand 
by him, Mollie, stand by him and stand by the old 
place !" I gave him my promise and I meant to do it, 
but now — (Puts handkerchief to eyes and sobs soft- 

y % > Skeet. 

Maybe he'll turn up yet. 

Mollie. 

No, it's too late. The lawyer is here waiting and 



AND HOME CAME TED 41 

Doctor Stone is all ready for the auction tomorrow. 
He's going to bid it in for a Liquor Cure. 
Skeet. 

Well, suppose Mr. Ted docs come, what'll he have 
to do? Moelie. 

Just let the lawyer see him and take charge of 
everything. He's got to run the Inn for a season and 
prove to. Mr. Ryker, the lawyer, that he can make a 
success of it. If he does, the whole property and all 
the old gentleman's money will be his for keeps. 
Skeet. 

I wonder what could 'a' happened to him. 

MOLEIE. 

I wish I knew. Mr. Ryker wrote to him and told 
him the conditions of the will and he promised to be 
here on \ime. Skeet. 

Maybe he's got lost in the shuffle. 

Moelie. 
If he has then Doctor Stone wins and I leave for 
the city in the morning: 

Skeet. 
Gee ! We can't allow nothin' like that to happen. 

MOELIE. 

There's nothing else for me to do. 

Skeet. 
Couldn't we kidnap the lawyer? 

MOEEIE. 

No, he's upstairs waiting for Ted to come home. 

(Looks at watch.) It's only six hours to midnight 

and I can't do a thing. I've just got to sit down 

and see the old place go to ruin before my very eyes. 

Enter Miss L. from R. 



42 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 
(At R.) 
Oh, Mollie, I'm so excited. I've seen him. I was 
peeping out of the door of my room and he went 
down the hall. Mollie. 

(At L.) 
He— who? MlgsL 

(At L. C.) 
Why, Ted, of course. 

Mollie. 
Honest? Mlgg L 

I don't know whether he is or not and I don't care. 
He's the dearest boy on earth. Tell me, do I look 

P ale? Mollie. 

(Comes to her.) 
Not very. Where did he go? 

Miss L. 
He was with Skeet. 

Skeet. 

(At L.) 
With me? MlssK 

Oh, Mollie, do you think he'll know me? Do you 
think I've changed much in the past seven years? 

Mollie. 

(Hesitates.) 
Well, you've changed a little. 

Miss L. 
He Was only fourteen then, and I was his teacher. 
He gave me his picture and said that he'd never for- 
get me. And now he's coming back. I've been wait- 
ing for this night for the past seven years. 



AND HOME CAME TED 43 

Moi/LIE. 

That's an awful long wait. 
Miss L. 
(AtR.) 
He will remember. I'm afraid I'm too pale. I 
wonder if I shouldn't put a little more color in my 
cheeks. (At door R.) I'll do it. Oh, I'm so excited. 
(Bustles out at R.) Molme. 

(Turning to Skeet.) 
What did she mean, Skeet? Is he really here? 

Skeet. 
Naw, she dunno what she's talking about. 
Moleie. 
(Dozen C.) 
She said he was with you. 

Skeet. 
That wasn't him. That was me boss over at the 
tunnel. The man who pulled me out. (Goes up C.) 

Moeeie. 
(Down L.) 
Then it's all over. It's — all — over ! 

Enter Man from R. wearing dinner clothes. He 

crosses to Skeet, not seeing Moleie who is 

down L. 

Man. 

Say, Skeet, when do we eat? 
Skeet. 
(Comes down a little L. C.) 
This is him. Moeeie. 

(AtL.) 
Oh, how much he looks like Ted. 



44 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 
(At R. C.) 
I beg pardon? MomBi 

A little taller and heavier maybe. I have his pic- 
ture up in my room. He sent it to his grandfather 
two years ago. g KEET 

Maybe the boss could help us out'n our troubles. 

MOLLIE. 

Oh, if he only could ! Ted will surely be home to- 
morrow, but somebody must see the lawyer tonight. 
If we can put that over both the lawyer and Stone 
will leave on the morning train and Ted will come in 
at noon and no one would be any the wiser. 
Man. 
(Puzzled.) 
I don't believe I catch the meaning of your drift. 
Skeet. 
(Comes dozen between them.) 
Y' see, it's like this. Miss Mollie here is up agin 
it fer fair. She's a girl in a million. There's a young 
feller who's got to show up tonight to take charge of 
the shooting-gallery. Man 

The shooting-gallery ? 

Skeet. 

I mean the Inn. He's gotta be here tonight, 'cause 
if he don't it's over the hills to the poor-house for us. 
Get me? Man> 

Well, not quite. g KEET> 

There's a lawyer guy here to turn the place over 
to the young feller. And it's got to be did tonight. 
Man. 
Now I'm beginning to understand. 



AND HOME CAME TED 45 

Skeet. 
'( Vuse if it ain't, there's a doctor fish here who did 
us dirt. They're tryin' to snatch the Inn away from 
Miss Mollie and turn it into a Liquor Cure. 
Moi/lie. 
If young Mr. Gilmore doesn't take charge tonight 
the place will be. sold at auction tomorrow. 
Skeet. 
Now what she wants is fer you to pertend that 

you're the guy. See? 

J Man. 

I think I do. She wants me to pretend that I am 
young Mr. Gilmore. Is that it? 
Skeet. 
Fine. You got a wonderful head fer facts. 

Man. 
But isn't there anyone around here who is ac- 
quainted with the young man? 

MOEUE. 

Nobody but Miss Loganberry. 
Skeet. 

Then it's all off. That old lady's got as many 
eyes as a potato. Moklie. 

And just about as much sense. And besides she 
hasn't seen Ted for seven years and she's under the 
impression that you are him anyway. Leave her to 
me. Man. 

Don't any of the other guests know him? 

MOEEIE. 

No (Goes to Man.) I could take you to the law- 
yer's room tonight with the lights turned low and 
all you have to do is to let him see you, and shake 
hands with you. 



46 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
And in the meantime I'll present him with six or 
seven Mamie Taylors with the compliments of the 
nous e. Mollis. 

{Earnestly to Man.) 
You won't need to mingle much with the guests 
and the lawyer and Doctor Stone will leave on the 
morning train. I look for Ted in on the noon train. 
He wrote and said he'd be here sure but he must have 
missed connections. Will you do it, sir? Will you 
help us out? Oh, you don't know how much this 
means to me. Skeet. 

{Comes down to Man's R.) 
It means a lot to me, too. 
Man. 
I've got a big notion to do it. It will give me a 
chance to meet the guests, won't it? 
Mollie. 
Certainly. Man. 

Then you can count me in. Ring all the bells and 
kill the fatted calf, the prodigal's come home. 
Mollie. 
But do you think we can put it over on the lawyer, 
Skeet? He's an awful smart man. 
Skeet. 
Don't worry about him. After he tackles my 
Mamie Taylors he won't know his own grandmother. 
• Mollie. 
I'll go upstairs and try to persuade Miss Logan- 
berry to stay in her room. 

Skeet. 
I've got it ! I'll feed her little dog Gertrude a 
Mamie Taylor and that'll keep the old lady busy 
from now till midnight. {Exit L.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 47 

MoLLIE. 

You certainly have taken a load off of my mind, 
sir. I want you to know how grateful I am. 

Man. 

Oh, that's all right. 

Enter Henrietta from R. in brilliant dinner dress. 
She carries a ukulele. 
Henrietta. 
Am I too early? MoLLIE . 

Not at all. Miss Darby, let me present Mr. Gil- 
more. (To Henrietta.) Mr. Gilmore is the new 
proprietor. Henrietta. 

Then I'm sure I didn't make a mistake in selecting 
the Rip Van Winkle Inn. The scenery around here 
is wonderful. It reminds me of Honolulu. 

MOLLIE. 

{Pointing up L.) 

You can see clear down in the valley from that 
veranda. Henrietta. 

How wonderful. (To Man.) Will you show me 
the view? It's part of the attraction of the Inn, 
isn't it? MaNj 

Delighted. (Offers his arm and they stroll out 
C.D.andoffL.) Mollie. 

I didn't think we could put it over, but we have 
and now Doctor Stone can whistle for his Liquor 
.Cure. 

Enter Skeet from L. carrying four fancy lemonades 

with mint, cherries, straws, etc., on tray. 

Skeet. 

I caught little Gertrude in the entry and fed her a 
couple o' Mamie Taylors with a teaspoon. Take it 



48 AND HOME CAME TED 

from me, Gertrude never had such a feed in her young 
life. She's frisky enough^to bite a Boston bull. 
Mollie. 
(At R. C.) 
What will Miss Loganberry say ? 

Skeet. 
She said it already. She thinks Gertrude bit the 
Doctor and caught the distemper. She put her to 
bed with a mustard plaster and a hot water bottle. 
The old lady's got a job that'll keep her upstairs the 
rest of the evening. Where's the boss? 
Mollie. 
Do you mean Mr. Ted? 

Skeet. 
Sure. Only I forgot his name. 

Mollie. 
He's out on the veranda looking at the scenery 
with the Honolulu humming-bird. 
Skeet. 
What'll I do with these? (Refers to lemonades.) 

Mollie. 
Take them up to Mr. Ryker's room. 

Skeet. 
I did. But I can't find him. (Places tray on 

desk ') Mollie. 

(Up to him.) 
Oh, Skeet, I'm so nervous. I'll be thankful when 
those two men are out of the house. If they ever find 
out that we've deceived them and that Ted didn't get 
home on time— g KEET< 

(Looking off C. D. to R.) 
Sh! Watch yer step. Here comes the Doctor. 

Enter Doctor from C. D. from R. 



AND HOME CAME TED 49 

Doctor. 
(At R. C.) 
Well, the young man hasn't showed up yet and the 
last train is in. It looks as if you were going to lose, 
Mollie. 

(Mollie turns her back on him and busies herself up 
stage.) 
Skeet. 

(up a 

A good poker player is always sure of his hand 
before he stakes his little pile. Are you real sure of 
your hand, Doc? Doctor. 

I guess I'm sure all right, for you see I hold the 
winning cards. Skeet. 

I've often thought that way, too. When all of a 
sudden up pops the little joker, and it's all off. 
Doctor. 
I've been talking to Ryker the lawyer. He says 
he is going back to the city tomorrow. (Rubs hands 
together gleefully.) The place will be sold at auction 
and in two weeks we'll be running the finest Liquor 
Cure in the Catskills. g KEET 

(Sarcastically.) 
Gee, you got it all mapped out, ain't you? 

Doctor. 
Let me see. (Looks around.) I think I'll turn this 
office into a consultation room, and I'll put two or 
three padded cells in the dining room. 
Mollie. 
(At L. C.) 
If I were you I don't think I'd order the furniture 
just yet. 



50 AND HOME CAME TED 

Doctor. 
You think someone can overbid me at the auction? 
Bah, I'm not afraid. I don't think anyone else wants 
the old place. All it's fit for is a Sanitarium. (Goes 
toward her.) If you're real good, Mollie, I might get 
you a place as a nurse. 

Mollie. 
(With spirit.) 
I guess not. This Inn'll never be turned into a 
Booze Cure as long as Ted Gilmore's on earth. 
(Skeet comes down C.) 

Doctor, 
(Sneers.) 
Oh, won't it? gKEET> 

(At his R.) 

Naw, it won't! DoCTOR . 

Young Mr. Gilmore is probably having a good 
time down in New York. I've heard he's a pretty 
gay young man. He doesn't give a hang whether 
the old place is sold or not. 

Mollie. 
Oh, yes he does. DoCTOR . 

(Loudly.) 
Then why isn't he here to take charge tonight? 

Mollie. 

(Louder.) 

He is here! Doctoe. 

What! MOLLIE. 

He's been here a couple of hours. 

Doctor. 
I don't believe it. 



AND HOME CAME TED 51 

Skeet grasps Doctor back of his coat collar with L. 

hand, jerks him to R. with a vicious push and 

then takes C. 

Skeet. 
You say that again and someone'll have to call an 
ambulance. Doctor. 

How did he get here? He wasn't on the train. Only 
one passenger got off, a lady. 
Mollie. 
He was here before the train pulled in. 

Doctor. 
Well, I want to see him. I — 

Skeet. 

{Takes his arm and leads him to door R.) 

You ! You'd better make a noise like a cake of 

ice and keep cool. And remember, the first train for 

the village leaves here at seven o'clock in the morning. 

Doctor. 

But > I— Skeet. 

That'll do fer you. The guests at this hotel ain't 
allowed to talk back to the help. You'd better run 
upstairs and brush your hair fer dinner. (Pushes 
him out at R.) Mollie. 

(Crosses to Skeet at R.) 

Skeet, you're all right. I don't know what I'd do 
if you weren't here to help me. You're a good pal, 
Skeet, and you're white clean through. (Passes him 
going to door R., turns and looks at him giggling. 
Skeet at R. C. acts bashful and giggles. Mollie 
exits R., looking back at Skeet and bumping into the 
door as she exits.) Skeet. 

Gee, she's a nice girl. She's a girl in a million. 



52 AND HOME CAME TED 

Enter Jim Ryker from C. D., R. side, wearing dinner 

clothes and top hat. 

Jim. 

Hello, Skeet, I've just been taking a walk down 

to the lake. I thought maybe Ted might take it into 

his head to row across. 

Skeet. 
(Takes tray to him.) 
I been a lookin' fer you. (Extends tray.) Here, 
.have a- Mamie Taylor on the house. 

Jim. 
Why this generosity? Is it your birthday? 

Skeet. 
No, sir. It's in honor of Mr. Ted. He's come home. 

Jim. 
Then it looks as if the old Inn won't be sold for a 
Sanitarium after all. 

(Soft Music, "Farewell to Thee" on ukulele heard 
off C. to L.) 
Skeet. 
I tell you it was a close call, but he got home just 
in time. JlM# 

Where is he? I want to have a good long talk 
with him. We haven't had a good long talk for over 

a J ear - Skeet. 

For over a year? (Blankly.) Why, I didn't know 
you and him ever did have a good long talk. I never 
knew that you knowed him. 

Jim. 

Why sure. He and I used to be college chums. 
That's why his grandfather appointed me as executor 
of the estate. g KEET> 

Would you know him if you saw him again? 



AND HOME CAME TED 53 

Jim. 
Know him? Why, certainly. 

Skeet. 
He's changed a whole lot. Here, take a Mamie 

T *y lor - JlM . 

No, thank you. I won't indulge until I've talked 
to Ted. I have to keep my head clear for business, 
you know. Where is he? 

Skeet. 
(Rattled.) \ 

I don't know. I think he's upstairs putting a hot 
mustard plaster on little Gertrude. (Comes down to 
Jim.) Are you sure you know him, Mr. Ryker? 

Jim. 
I'd know Ted Gilmore if I met him in Heaven. 
Skeet. 
(To audience.) 
Gee, I'll have to find Miss Mollie and put her wise. 
(To Jim.) I'll find him and send him to you — maybe ! 
(Puts tray on counter and runs off R.) 
Henrietta. 
(Heard off CD. at rear singing.) 
"Farewell to thee, 
Farewell to thee, 

Thou dearest one that dwells among the flowers!" 

Jim starts in surprise. He crosses up C, listening 

as Henrietta continues singing. Enter Aunt J. 

from L. at 

; Aunt J. 

'Sense me, boss, I's lookin' fo' Miss Mollie. It's 

time to ring de chimes fo' dinner. 

Jim. 

I think she's upstairs. 

(Henrietta sings louder. Jim listens.) 



54 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 
Yes, sah. (Crosses to R.) 
Jim. 
(UpC.) 
Say, auntie, who is that singing? 
Aunt J. 
(Waddles up C, looks off.) 
Dat's de new lady dat come dis afternoon. 

Jim. 
It sounded like — but, no, that's impossible. Is her 
name Darby, auntie, Henrietta Darby? 
Aunt J. 
'Deed an' I dunno. Look at de register. (Comes 
down R.) Jm 

I'm almost afraid to look. (Singing grows louder, 
he rushes to register, opens it, turns pages rapidly, 
reads, jumps back in surprise.) Jumping Jupiter, 
my widow! (Grabs grip from behind counter, rushes 
to window, breaks glass, jumps through window and 
exits. During this action the singing has ceased and 
the same tune is played softly but in rapid tempo by 
orchestra.) Enfer MoLLIE from R , 

MoLLIE. 

What was the crash, Aunt Jubilee? 
Aunt J. 
(Running around very much excited.) 

Dat lawyer man, Mistah Ryker, he's gone plum 
'stracted and crazy in d' head. He takes one look at 
de register, let out a yell like a hippo-peet-apotamus, 
bust open de window and jump through! (Looks out 
of window.) Mollis. 

He's in the motor car and is making a bee line for 
the station. 



AND HOME CAME TED 55 

Enter Skeet from R. 

Skeet. 
Miss Mollie, I've been looking everywhere for you. 
It's all off. We've got to get another .Teddy. The 
lawyer and him is old friends. (Rapid action and 
dialogue froin this point. Music louder.) 

Mollie. 
The lawyer and Ted? 

Skeet. 
Sure. Tell the boss it's all off. Mr. Ryker is 
acquainted with the real Ted. 

Mollie. 

He's £jone. ~ 

° Skeet. 

Mollie. 
The lawyer. He jumped out of the window and 
has started for town. ~ 

hKEET. 

(Yells.) 
Then we've still got a chance. Hurray! (Grabs 
Aunt J. by both hands.) He's gone and Ted's home 
and I don't care what happens to us now. (Swings 
Aunt J. rapidly around, shouting "Hurray!") 

Aunt J. 
Lemme alone, boy. Turn me loose! (Down L. with 
Skeet.) 

Mollie rings dinner chimes. Music grows louder. 
Enter Man and Henrietta from C. D. Doctor and 

Miss L. from R. ,.. 

Mollie. 

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the new 
proprietor. Ted's come home! 



56 AND HOME CAME TED 

(Aunt J. and Skeet at L. Henrietta up L. C. 
Man and Mollie in middle of stage. Doctor down 
R. C. Miss L. in door R.) 

Curtain. 

For Second Curtain: Man stands C. with Ladies 
all around him shaking hands, etc. Skeet laughing 
and pointing finger at the baffled Doctor. 

For Third Curtain : The seven characters stand 
bowing to the audience. 



AND HOME CAME TED 



The Second Act. 

Scene — The same as for Act /, but it is now 7:40 
p. m. Lighted candelabra on mantel. Lighted 
chandelier. Strong blue lights shine in from C. D. 
and window. Foots and borders on full at the 
beginning of the act. 

Discovered: Skeet seated back of desk zip L. Noise 
and laughter heard from dining room at L. Mu- 
sic, "Farewell to Thee" {"Aloha Oe"), takes up 
the curtain, but ceases as soon as the conversation 
begins. 
Enter Man from L. He comes to L. C., facing 

Skeet - Skeet. 

How did it go, boss? 

Man. 
Not very well. I was disappointed. 

Skeet. 
What d' y' mean disappointed? 

Max. 
What became of the pretty girl in the green and 
white dress that I saw this afternoon? She wasn't 
at dinner. . g KEET 

That's Miss Garwood. She had her dinner in her 

room " Man. 

Will she be down tonight? 

Skeet. 
I dunno. Sometimes she reads or writes or some- 

thin S- Max. 

Then I guess I'll take a row on the lake. 

• 57 



58 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
Wait a minute. {Comes to him.) I'll see what I 
can do. {Goes to telephone behind screen.) Hello, 
Central! {Pause.) Gimme this same number with 
four rings. {Pause, then the bell rings four times.) 
Hello, is this Miss Garwood? {Pause.) This is 
Skeet at the office. {Pause.) Yes, I'm all right, 
thanks ; how're you? {Pause.) Oh, I thought maybe 
something was the matter, 'cause you weren't down 
for dinner. {Pause.) Oh, say! The new boss has 
arrived and he'd like to have you come down. He 
says he's lonesome. {Pause.) Naw, he ain't imper- 
tinent. Just lonesome, that's all. Goodbye. 

Man. 

{As Skeet comes from behind screen.) 
Now, you've done it. 

Skeet. 
Wasn't that right? 

Man. 
Right? You've queered the whole business. 

Skeet. 
Naw, nothin' like it. She'll come down. They al- 
ways do. You gotta hand these dames the rough 
stuff once in a while. 

Man. 
She'll have a fine opinion of me. 

Skeet. 
Sure she will. She'll think you're a big gun and 
she'll come down and tell you so. Did the other one 
say anything to you? 

Man. 
Yes, she kept telling me about the moon in Hono- 
lulu. 



■ AND HOME CAME TED 59 

Skeet. 
Naw, I don't mean her. I mean the old lady. The 
Aunt Samanthy with the red feather sky-scraper. 

Man. 

The one with the dog? 

Skeet. 
That's her. She's a funn}^ old dame, ain't she? 

Man. 
What's her name? 

OKEET. 

Party by the name of Loganberry. 

Man. 
She acted in a most peculiar manner. Made signs 
at me all through dinner. 

Skeet. 
She's forty-three and desperate. 

Man. 
If she ever gets me alone, I'll be kidnapped. 

Skeet. 
She's been waiting fer you seven years, and she's 
got it next her heart. 

Man. 
Got what? Skeet. 

How do I know? I ain't a doctor. She just said 
to tell you as soon as you arrived. She's anxious to 
talk to you. Man 

Skeet, if you ever see us together you come right 
in and say. that someone wants me on the phone, 
bet me. Enter Henrietta from L. 

Henrietta. 
{Comes C. to Man.) 
Well, what do you think of your guests by this 
time ? 



60 AND HOME CAME TED ' 

Man. 

Some of them are perfectly charming. 

Henrietta. 
(Smiling.) 

Flatterer. Majj _ 

Have you been here long? 

Henrietta. 
Mercy, no. I just arrived. The doctor told me 
I must find a quiet place in the mountains for my 
nerves. I've had such horrible experiences during 
the past year that I feel like a perfect wreck. But 
I feel sure that I am going to like the Rip Van 
Winkle Inn. I'll be better here, far from the mad- 
dening crowd.' I've had a disappointment, Mr. Gil- 
more, and my heart is lacerated by the perfidy of 

man - Man. 

Isn't that too bad? 

Henrietta. 
But in this charming spot I think I'll be able to 
forget all my troubles. That's the thing I like about 
this place. It's so quiet. 

Man. 

Oh, yes, it's awfully quiet. 

Skeet. 
(Down R.) 

I'll bet there's more quiet around here to the square 
mile than any other place in New York State. 

Henrietta. 
And I simply adore the mountains. They seem to 
carry me back to Honolulu. Do you ever have any 
balls or parties here, Mr. Skeet? 



AND HOME CAME TED 61 

Skbet. 

Well, it's pretty high up fer parties. All the balls 
are highballs. Henrietta. 

(Crosses to window.) 
Oh, see the moon is coming out. 
Man. 
(Up a little to her.) 

So it is. Skeet. 

It does that once in a while. 

Henrietta. 
I wonder how the valley looks in the moonlight. 
(Romantically.) It must be gorgeous, bathed in 
white moonshine. Skeet. 

Not white, yellow ! With foam on top. 

Henrietta. 
I think I'll go out. Won't you show me the view 
again? (To Man.) Man. 

(Goes behind desk.) 
Awfully sorry, but I can't get away just now. 
Got to balance up the books. 

Henrietta. 

(Obviously disappointed.) 

Oh, I wanted to tell you about my troubles. 

Skeet. 

(Aside to Man.) 

She thinks you're a policeman. 

Enter Doctor from L. 

Henrietta. 

(Goes to him.) 

Oh, Doctor, won't you show me the moon? 

Doctor. 

(Dozen L.) 

Show you what? 



62 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
The moon. I want to see it shining down in the 
valley. And I left my ukulele on the veranda. 
Doctor. 
I'll be delighted. (Offers his arm, they start out 

') Henrietta. 

It reminds me of the moon-kissed beach at Wai- 
kiki. Have you ever been in Honolulu ? (They stroll 
out C. D. to L.) Man 

( Laughing. ) 
That seems to be her long suit — the moon in Hon- 
olulu. In ten minutes she'll be playing the ukulele 
and singing "Farewell to Thee!" 
Skeet. 
(Crosses to L.) 
I think I'll go out and see if I can't start a little 
disturbance in the kitchen. I ain't had nothin' to 
cat since the last time. (Exits L.) 

Enter Miss L. from R. 

Miss L. 

(Sees Man up L., waves finger at him and speaks 

coquet tishly.) 

Ah, there you are! , r 

J Man. 

(Imitates her tone.) 

Yes, here I am. Mlgg L 

I've been looking everywhere for you, Theodore. 
Man. 
(Comes to her.) 
And at last you have found me. What can I do 
for ^u? MlssL 

(Close to him.) 
Isn't this just like old times, Teddy? 



AND HOME CAME TED 63 

Man. 

Well, really— Mlgs L 

You haven't forgotten, have you? 

Man. 
My memory is awfully bad at times. (Pauses.) 
And this is one of the times. 
Miss L. 
It seems so strange that you are really here. I've 
waited, and waited and waited. 
Man. 
You ought to be a good waiter by now. 

Miss L. 
You remember the night of our parting, don't 

y° u? Man. 

Can I ever forget it? 

Miss L. 
Oh, why don't you call me by my name? 

Man. 
Anything to oblige, Miss Huckleberry. 

Miss L. 
Loganberry. Man> 

(Hastily.) 
Yes, I mean Loganberry. 

Miss L. 
But you haven't forgotten my first name, have 

y° u? Man. 

Oh, that would be too familiar. 

Miss L. 
Or "Cutie." That's what you used to call me. 

" Cutie -" . Man. 

(To audience.) 
I wonder why Skeet doesn't come. 



64 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 

( Overhearing. ) 
Skcet? Are you waiting for him? 

Man. 
Yes. He ought to be here this minute. 

Miss L. 
I'm forgetting how very busy you must be to- 
night. But we must have a long, cosy, confidential 
chat real soon. Oh, I have so much to tell you. And 
I still have it, Teddy. It has never left me. It is 
reclining right next to my heart. 
Man. 
Don't you find it rather uncomfortable? 

Miss L. 
Uncomfortable? Teddy, how can you say such a 

thin S ? Man. 

In summer, you know. It must be uncomfortable 
in summer. Mmj . L 

What care I? I have never forgotten that night 
seven years ago. We were strolling in the moon- 

*&*• Max. 

Were we? Mlsg L 

Yes. Don't you remember? 

Man. 
I forgot the moon. 

Miss L. 

And now you've returned to me, a successful busi- 
ness man. Man 

Not very successful. 

Miss L. . 
Never mind, Teddy. Woman is like the ivy ; the 
more you are ruined the closer she clings. 



AND HOME CAME TED 65 

Man. 

Yes, and ivy is like the woman. The closer it 
clings the more you are ruined. 
Miss L. 

Someone is coming down stairs. We mustn't be 
seen together as yet. ,, 

No, that's right. We mustn't. 

Miss L. 
We'll keep our little secret all to ourselves. 

Man. 
Believe me, that's just what I want to do. 
Miss L. 
(At door L.) 
And remember, I still have it right next to my 
heart. (Giggles, blows him a kiss and exits L.) 
Man. 
Keep it there. That's the safest place on earth. 

Enter Diana from R. in handsome dinner gown. 
Diana. 

Well? Man. 

(Looks at her.) 
I haven't been, but I feel a little better now. 

Diana. 
I didn't know you were stopping at the Inn. 

Man. 
Oh, yes. I'm here. I expect to be here for some 

time - Diana. 

(Comes to him impulsively.) 
Tell me, have you seen the hero of the tunnel? 

Man. 
Yes, I saw him. Diana. 

What was he doing? 



66 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

The last time I saw him. Let me see? I know. 
He was shaving. Diana. 

And did you tell him what I told you? 

Man. 
Yes - Diana. 

Was he startled? Man 
I should say he was. He cut himself. 

Diana. 
And what did he say? 

Man. 

When he cut himself? (Smiles and shakes head.) 
That's been cut out by the board of censorship. 
Diana. 
You know I don't mean that. (Sits on settle, half 
facing the audience.) What did he say when you 
gave him my message? 

Man. 
It was the proudest moment of his life. 
Diana. 

Reall y ? Man. 

You told me to tell him that you were proud to 
belong to a country that breeds men like me — 
(hastily) I mean like him. Isn't that enough to make 
any man proud? Diana. 

Not a man like him. He's too noble. Now, tell 
me all about him. What is he like? 

Man. 

(Purposely misunderstanding.) 
What does he like? He likes you. (Sits on the 
arm of the settle.) 



AND. HOME CAME TED 67 

Diana. 

Did he say so? Man. 

Oh, no. Certainly not. He isn't that kind of a 
man. Diana. 

No, I'm sure he isn't. 

Man. 
I meant that he likes girls like you. See? (Slips 
over on settle beside her.) 

Diana. 
I suppose he knows lots of girls like me. 

Man. 
No, I think I can safely say that he's never met 

one like you before. 

J Diana. 

What does he look like? 
Man. 
A lobster. Diana. 

What! Man# 

I mean, I don't exactly know what he does look 
like. He looks like a man. That's it; just a plain, 
every day man. Diana. 

(Disappointed.) 
Oh, I thought he'd look like a hero. 

Man. 
No, I don't think he does. How does a hero look? 

Diana. 
Handsome and tall. He's tall, isn't he? 

Man. 
Well, he's about as tall as I am. 

Diana. 
And handsome? 



68 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 
Yes. (She looks at him.) Oh, no! No, he isn't . 
handsome. I was thinking about his brother. 

Diana. 

I thought he would be much taller than you. 

Man. 
Sometimes he looks taller. When he stands up. 

Diana. 
When Skeet told me how he pulled him out of 
the tunnel I formed a picture of him in my mind. 

Man. 

What kind of a picture? A comic valentine? 

Diana. 
No, the picture of my ideal. 

Man. 
I don't think he looks much like an ideal. In fact 
I wouldn't recognize an ideal if I saw one. 
Diana. 
Wavy black hair brushed straight back, a winning 
smile and piercing black eyes. His eyes are black, 
aren't they? Man 

I don't think they are just now. They have been 
several times. DlANA 

I pictured him as tall and muscular, yet very 
graceful. Man 

He's not so awfully graceful. 

Diana. 
One of nature's noblemen with large broad — 

Man. 

(Interrupting.) 
Feet? He's got them all right. 



AND HOME CAME TED 69 

Diana. 

(Pouting.) 
I was going to say shoulders. 

Man. 

Yes, he's got shoulders, too. 
Diana. 
A low, commanding voice — 
Man. 
(Interrupting.) 
Low? (In a deep voice.) Like that? 

Diana. 
And a face — Man. 

Yes, he's got a face. 

Diana. 
Clean cut and resolute. 

Man. 
Two faced? DlANA 

(Rising,) 

You're making; fun of me. I'm sure he'd never 
do anything like that. (Pause.) Would he? 

Man. 

(In a deep voice.) 
Oh, no; he's too noble. 

Diana. 
You must think I am awfully bold. 

Man. 
Oh, no. Why? DlANA< 

Here I am talking to you like an old friend and 
we haven't even been introduced. . 
Man. 
I never thought of that. 



70 AND HOME CAME TED 

Diana. 
I am Diana Garwood. 

Man. 

I am (pauses) delighted. 

Diana. 

Do you know, I think you have been trying to de- 
ceive me all the time. Now, haven't you? 

Man. 

(In a deep voice.) 
Oh, no. I'm too noble. 

Diana. 

Then you are — you are the hero of the tunnel? 

Man. 
Do I look like a hero? 

Diana. 

Tell me the truth. __ 

Man. 

I haven't got a deep voice and piercing black hair 

brushed back, have I? 

Diana. 

If you won't be serious (starts to go up C.). 

Man. 

I am serious, and I only wish I had a deep, pierc- 

ing voice. DlANA> 

You're not playing fair. 

Man. 

Excuse me. You know they've been expecting the 
missing owner of the Inn to turn up all day. The 
new proprietor, I mean — 

Diana. 

Then you are not — __ 

J Man. 

The hero of the tunnel? 



AND HOME CAME TED 71 

Diana. 
You are Mr. Gilmore. 

Man. 
The new proprietor. But my friends seem to call 

me Ted ' Diana. 

How silly you must think I am. 
Man. 

Silly? I think you are the most sincere girl I have 
ever met. DlANA 

(Looks around.) 
I wonder where all the guests are. 

Man. 
Some of them are out on the veranda looking at 
the moon. DlANA 

It's turned out quite warm after all.' It's rather 
hot in here, isn't it? I have a notion to look at the 
moon, too. Man 

There's a pretty walk clear down to the lake. I'll 
be glad to show you the way. (Joins her.) 
Diana. 
And we can talk about the hero of the tunnel. 

Man. 
And the moon. DlANA 

It's just the same old moon, isn't it? 

Man. 
Yes, but it never seemed as beautiful to me before. 
(They stroll out C. D., going R.) 

Enter Aunt J. from L. 

Aunt J. 
Dat boy Skeet sure am makin' a onslaught into 
de provisions in mah kitchen. I neber see sech a ap- 



72 AND HOME CAME TED 

petite in all mah born days. (Sees the lemonade on 
the counter.) Lawsy, lawsy, look at all de fancy 
lemonades somebody done lef out yere so careless. 
(Takes one and smells it.) Smells mighty fancy, 
mighty fancy! (Tastes it.) An' it tastes jes as 
fancy as it smells. (Drinks it.) 

Enter Mollie from R. in simple dinner dress. 

Mollie. 

(Watches Aunt J. drink the lemonade.) 

Don't swallow the glass. 

Aunt J. 

Bless mah soul, Miss Mollie, I was jes' tastin' one 

ob dese yere fancy Mamie Taylor lemonades dat 

somebody done lef.' Dey cert'n'y do taste mighty 

tasty, dey shore do. 

Mollie. 

Skeet made them for Mr. Ryker. 

Aunt J. 

Well, Mistah Ryker ai' gwine to git one ob 'em 

anyhow. Mollie. 

Where is Skeet? 

Aunt J. 

Out'n de dining room eatin'. 

Mollie. 

Tell him that I have put old Mr. Gilmore's dress 

suit out on his bed and I want him to put it on. 

Aunt J. 

You wants Mistah Skeet to put it on? 

Mollie. 
Certainly. Aunt j 

Den I cert'n'y wants to hang 'round an' see de 
excitement. If dat boy ever puts on old boss's dress 
suit he's gwine to get lost in de creases. 



AND HOME CAME TED 73 

MoLLIE. 

And you can have that old white muslin you like 

so welL Aunt J. 

Can I? Lawsy, lawsy ! I's gotta put some powdah 
on mah face, den, 'kase I's most too highly com- 
plected to wear white. I'd look like a blackberry 
swimmin' 'round in a bucket ob milk. 

Mollie. 
Tell Skeet to hurry. Never mind, I'll tell him 
myself. (Exits L.) . T 

I'd better make haste and git dat white muslin 
dress 'fore she changes her mind. (Crosses to door 
R.) I'm gwine to cut it ober in de latest style with 
a harem-scarem skirt and a peek-a-boo waist and 
wear it to church next Sunday. I'll bet I'll be de 
belle ob de high-toned colored aristocracy. (Minces 
out at R.) 

Pause. Then enter Ted from C. D., coming from R. 

Ted. 
(Looks around, then speaks off up R.) 
It's all right. There isn't anyone here. 

Enter Elsie from C. D., coming from R. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Ted, I'm so frightened. 

Ted. 
There's nothing to be frightened about, honey. 
I'm here, and we're married now. 
Elsie. 
I know, but papa has such a dreadful temper. 

Ted. 
Don't worry about that. He can't do anything, 



74 AND HOME CAME TED 

even if he is a Senator. We're both of age and he 
can't annul the marriage. 

Elsie. 
Couldn't he take me away from you and send me 
back to school? rp 

I'd like to see him try it. You're my wife now, 
and all the world can't take you from me. 
Elsie. 
I wonder what they're doing at school now. 

Ted. 
We should worry. They won't miss you until 
tomorrow. Elsie 

Oil, it would be dreadful if papa would follcw us 

W Ted. 

He'll never dream that we came up here. He'll 
think we're on our way to Cuba or some place. 
(Looks around.) I'd better find the clerk and reg- 

ister « Elsie. 

Maybe the Inn hasn't opened yet. (Goes to desk.) 

Ted. 
Oh, yes. It opened Monday. 

Elsie. 
I hope there isn't anyone here I know. (Reads 
register.) Ted< 

I don't suppose they have a very big crowd. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Ted! Ted 

(Rushes to her.) 
What's the matter? 

Elsie. 
Look there. (Points to name on register.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 75 

Ted. 
(Reading.) 
"Diana Garwood, Watertown, N. Y." Why, she's 
from your town, isn't she? Do you know her? 
Elsie. 
Know her? She's my cousin. 

Ted. 
Your cousin? Elsie. 

Oh, we must leave here at once. I wouldn't meet 
Diana for the world. 

Ted. 
But we can't leave. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Ted! She'll telephone to papa. 

Ted. 
We'll have to keep her quiet, that's all. There 
isn't any other train tonight and we've run out of 
gasoline. Something is wrong with the carburetor 
and we've two flat tires. 

Elsie. 
Let's go to another inn. 

Ted. 
There isn't any other. 

Elsie. 
But I can't meet Diana. 

Ted. 
Maybe she won't see us. And even if she does, she 
can't do anything. We're married. 
Elsie. 
I know it. But, Ted, I'm so miserable. 

Ted. 
Miserable? On your honeymoon? Oh, Elsie! (Re- 
proachfully. ) 



76 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
I know I shouldn't be, but everything was so sud- 
den today. Our running away and getting the li- 
cense and the ring and then the ride to the minister's 
and the wedding. I've done nothing but hurry all 
day, and I didn't have any wedding dress or brides- 
maids or wedding cake or anything, and I haven't 
had anything to eat since noon (tearfully), and 
my head aches and we're out of gasoline and have two 
flat tires, and now we've got to run right into my 
cousin Diana. Oh, I'll never elope again as long as 

1 live - Ted. 

I hope you won't. (Soft music at rear L., "Fare- 
well to Thee" on ukulele.) 

Elsie. 

Forgive me, T-Ted, but I am so m-m-miserable. 
(Sobs.) Ted> 

There, there, honey, everything's all right. I'll 
get you some supper and you won't have to meet 
your cousin Diana after all. 
Elsie. 
Let's get some supper and then go away. 

Ted. 
I can't get away. Not for a while at least until 
I can have the car repaired. 
Elsie. 
(Sobbing.) 
B-b-but I'm hungry, Ted. Even if I am a bride 
I still have an appetite, and I was too excited to eat 
any lunch. Ted 

Listen. What's that? 

Elsie. 
Someone is playing a ukulele. (Hums.) "Farewell 



AND HOME CAME TED 77 

to thee, farewell to thee, thou dearest one that dwells 
among the flowers — " 

Ted. 
Stop it! Elsie> 

What's the matter? 

Ted. 
Don't sing that song? 

Elsie. 
Why not? Ted 

I don't like Honolulu music. It makes me nervous. 
Henrietta. 
(Outside, up L. C, sings.) 
"Farewell to thee, farewell to thee, thou dearest 
one that dwells among the flowers — " 

Ted. 
That voice. (Rushes to C. D., peers out L.) It is! 
It is! (Runs to register.) Where's the register? 
(Looks at it, starts back in alarm with a sharp in- 
take of the breath, hurries down to Elsie, grabs 
her.) Quick! Gimme jour grips. Put on your hat! 
We have to go. Elsie ^ 

I thought you'd decided to stay. 

Ted. 
We can't stay. We must leave at once. 

Elsie. 

We can't leave. Something; is wrong with the 
what-do-you-call-it and there's two flat tires. (Sing- 
ing dies away in the distance.) 

Ted. 
(Trying to force her out C. D.) 
Hurry, hurry! I'll try and fix the car. If I can't 
we'll go just as it is. 



78 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
But you haven't any gas. 
Ted. 
Then we'll walk. _ 

ELSIE. 

I won't walk. I'm hungry, and my head aches, 
and I'm p-p-perfectly miserable. (Sobs.) 

Ted. 
Maybe I can get you a sandwich somewhere. 

Elsie. 
I don't want a sandwich somewhere. I want my 
supper. Ted 

Don't think of that, honey. You have me. 

Elsie. 
I know I have, but I c-c-can't eat you. 

Ted. 
Oh, Elsie, you don't know how important it is 
that we get away from this place at once. 
Elsie. 

Wh J ? Ted. 

Because — because, because — 

Elsie. 
Because why? rp ED 

Because we might meet your cousin and she might 
telephone your father. 

Elsie. 

But you said papa couldn't do anything now we're 
married. Ted 

He might. I don't want to take any chances. 
He'd be here by midnight and drag you back to 
college. Hurry, Elsie. If you love me, hurry! 
(Elsie starts out C. D. to L. Ted pulls her back.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 79 

Not that way. She's out there on the veranda. 
(Elsie starts out C. D. to R. Suddenly starts 
back, grabs Ted.) Elsie. 

No ; she's out there — with a man. 
Ted. 

Who is? Elsie. 

Diana! (They rush to L. door.) 
Mollie. 
(Outside L.) 
Never mind, auntie, I'll fix it myself. 

Ted. 
Surrounded! Quick, the screen. 

Ted and Elsie rush behind the screen as Mollie 
enters from L. Mollie. 

Is anybody there? (Pause.) I thought I heard 
someone. 

Enter Skeet from R. in evening clothes, much 
too large, and wearing bright red bow tie. 

Skeet. 
(Struts proudly across stage from R. to L., then 
slowly revolves, trying to see his back.) 
Pretty foxy, I guess. (Mollie laughs.) How do 
you like it? Mollie. 

Like what? Skeet> 

Me full dress. The get-up ! The suit ! S-double-o-t 

suit - Mollie. 

It's a scream. g KEET> 

Is it a good fit? Mollie. 

You couldn't have a better fit if you were in a 
hospital. 



80 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet. 
I'm crazy to get a look at meself. 

Moleie. 
If you ever get one look you will be crazy. 

Enter Aunt J. from L. in white dress. 

Aunt J. 
(Seeing Skeet at L. C.) 
Oh, lawsy, lawsy! (Laughs loudly.) 

Skeet. 

(To Aunt J.) 

What's the matter, little one? What's the joke? 

Aunt J. 
De joke? I'm lookin' right at it. (Laughs.) 

Skeet. 
Don't you like the suit? 

Aunt J. 
Like it? (Laughs.) Lawsy, 'deed I does. I ain't 
seen nothin' so funny since de St. Patrick Day pa- 
rade. Is dat what you calls a full dress suit, Miss 

Mollie? Skeet. 

That's the trouble with it. (Extends trousers.) 
It's too full. AuNT J 

It does look kinder loose. 

Moleie. 

(At L.) 
It's all right, Skeet, only you'd better go up- 
stairs and put on a black tie. 

Skeet. 
Black? I ain't goin' to a funeral. 

Mollie. 
You are if you don't change that tie. 



AND HOME CAME TED 81 

Skeet. 
I'm kinda partial to red myself. 

Aunt J. 
Boy, dat tie makes you look like you got de nose- 
bleed. g KEET> 

Well, if it ain't the proper thing I'll change it. 

Mollie. 
That's right. You'll find several black ties in old 
Mr. Gilmore's room. 

SKEET. 

All right, I got you. Miss Mollie, the folks want 

to know if they can dance in the dining room? 

Mollie. 

Why, certainly. The victrola is in there now. 

Aunt J. 

Is you gwinter dance, Mistah Skeet? 

Skeet. 

You'd better believe it. When it comes to the 

light fantastic I'm the pride of the Plumber's Union. 

Aunt J. 

Where'd you learn how to dance? 

Skeet. 

In a correspondence school. {Takes a few fancy 

steps.) Look at that now. Fancy dancers ain't got 

nothin' on me. ,, 

Mollie. 

You'd better hurry and change your tie. It's after 
nine - Skeet. 

In a minute. (Runs out at R.) 
Mollie. 

Jubilee, go out on the veranda and tell the folks 
to come in if they want to dance. 



82 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 

Yas'm. When dat ole talkin' machine gits to 

playin' a jazz tune, I'm gwine to cut a few fancy 

steps mahself. {Hums rag tune and dances a few 

steps. Elsie sneezes bach of the screen.) 

Mollie. 

What was that? . x 

Aunt J. 

Sounded like a sneeze. 

Mollie. 
It's the cat. Hurry up and call in the guests. 

Aunt J. 

Yas'm, I'm a gwine. {At C. D.) Dats de first time 

I ever heard a cat with de influenzy. {Exits C. D.) 

Mollie. 

{Pulling the screen aside.) 

Now you can come out. 

Ted. 
We were just waiting. 

Mollie. 
Quick; you haven't a minute to lose. Nobody 
must see you. Ted 

Why not? Mollie. 

Because there's another man here taking your 
place. We didn't think you'd get here. You'll have 
to hide until tomorrow. Then I can get rid of the 
guests and everything will be all right. 
Elsie. 
Oh, Ted, what does it all mean? 

Mollie. 
Come here. {Rushes Ted bach of desh.) Those 
stairs lead to the basement. Hurry down and don't 
let anyone see you. Why didn't you come on the 
afternoon train? 



AND HOME CAME TED 83 

Elsie. 

How could we? ,~ 

Ted. 

We were getting married this afternoon. 

Mollie. 

Getting married? ^ 

This is my wife. ,-, 

.We were married at the Methodist parsonage at 
two o'clock. Mollie. 

No wonder you missed the train. 

Ted. 
Can you get us something to eat? 

Mollie. 
Yes, yes. Only hurry downstairs before anyone 
sees you. I'll bring your supper down to you and 
no one will be any the wiser until tomorrow. 
Elsie. 
But I'd rather not — 

Mollie. 
(Interrupting.) 
If you knew all the trouble Ted has caused already 
you wouldn't stand there arguing the question. Of 
course, if you want the guests to see you — 

Ted. 
(Interrupting.) 
No, no ! Certainly not. We'll go down in the base- 
ment. Come on, Elsie. 

Elsie. 
But I'm starving. I haven't had anything to eat 
since lunch. Mollie. 

(At rear C.) 
Quick, someone is coming! (Ted descends.) 



84 AND HOME CAME TED 

Elsie. 
Please bring us something to eat right away. 
(Elsie descends.) ,, 

V ' MOLLIE. 

If I have any more excitement tonight I don't 
think I can stand it. 

Enter Skeet from J?., wearing black bow tie. 

Skeet. 

(AtR.) 
Well, how do I look now? 

Mollie. 
(Comes to him.) 
Oh, Skeet, what do you think's happened? 

Skeet. 
Give it up. Mollie. 

Ted's come home! ~ 

OKEET. 

I know it. He's out on the lawn with Miss Diana. 

Mollie. 
No; I mean the real Ted. 
Skeet. 
Honest? Where is he? 

Mollie. 
I was nearly scared out of my senses. He's down 
in the basement. Skeet. 

Has anyone else seen him? 

Mollie. 
I don't think so. 

bKEET. 

Then it's all right. Keep him down there until 
the Doctor leaves and keep cool. 
Mollie. 
I've got to give them something to eat. 



AND HOME CAME TED 85 

Skeet. 

Them? Is he twins? 

Mollie. 

Worse. He's married. That's why he didn't get 
in on the afternoon train. 

Skeet. 

Well, he's taken charge of the place before mid- 
night. That'll square things with Mr. Ryker any- 
how. Moleie. 

I'd forgotten all about him. I wonder what made 
him act that way. Aunt Jubilee said he jumped 
through the window like he'd been shot and away 
he went in the Doctor's car, and I haven't seen him 
since. Enter Aunt J. from C. D. 

Aunt J. 
Come on- in, folkses, de grand jubilee arenus am 
about to begin. 

Enter Doctor and Henrietta from C. D. 
Henrietta. 
(Coming down L.) 
You dance, don't you, Doctor? 

Doctor. 
Well, I don't brag about it. But if you'll teach 
me, I'll be a good pupil. 

Henrietta. 
Oh, you must be a good dancer. You're so light 
on your feet. Skeet. 

' (Behind desk to Moelie, who is near him.) 
Just like a ton of coal. 

Moulie. 

(UpL.) 

Start up the music, Jubilee. 



86 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 

(At door L.) 

Yas'm. I'm gwine to play a jazz band piece, 'kase 

ebry time I plays one of dem I jes' naturally can't 

make mah feet behave. (Hums and dances a few 

steps, then dances out L.) 

Enter Man and Diana from C. D. 

Man. 

(Up ay 

Didn't I hear something about dancing? 

Moleie. 
Yes. In the dining room. 

(Music off L.) 
Skeet. 
Come on, Miss Mollie; let's open the ball. 

Mollie. 
I can't. I've got a job in the kitchen. (Exits L.) 

Man. 
It sounds good. Shall we try it? 

Diana. 
I'd love to. (They dance out at L.) 

Henrietta. 
Aren't you going to ask me, Doctor? I haven't 
danced since I left Honolulu. 
Doctor. 
I'll do my best. (They dance out at L.) 

Skeet. 
(Comes to C, looks at audience, pauses, sighs.) 
All dressed up and no place to go. And there 
ain't another dame in sight. 

Enter Miss L. from R. 



AND HOME CAME TED 87 

Miss L. 

(Posing at R.) 

I thought I heard some music. 

Skeet. 

(To audience.) 

I knew it. Friday always was my Jonah day. 

Miss L. 

(Minces to him.) 

Are you dancing, Skeet? 

Skeet. 
Not yet. I don't believe I can do this one. 

Miss L. 
Oh, yes you can. It's only one, two, three; one, 
two, three. (Dances in time to music.) See? 

Skeet. 
(Imitates awkwardly, but not to the point of bur- 
lesque.) 
I got y\ One, two, three; one, two, three! 

Miss L. 
And then around like this. (Swings him.) 

Skeet. 
Wait a nfinute! Don't do it so sudden like. You 
wanta give me notice when you do the merry-go- 
round. What is this here dance, anyhow? 
Miss L. 
It's the Banana Slide. 

Skeet. 
It's too slippery for me. 

Miss L. 
Oh, no. (Illustrates.) It's like this. Just a slip, a 
dip and a slide. Skeet. 

If I ever do that slip I'll slide all over the floor 
and dip right on my nose. 



88 AND HOME CAME TED 

Miss L. 

You're just bashful, that's all. What you need is 
a little confidence. Skeet 

What I need is a little Mamie Taylor. 

Miss L. 
Oh, we're missing all that grand music. Come on, 
now! One, two, three! 

Skeet. 
One, two, three! Mlss L 

' (Grabs him.) 
Now a slip and a one, two, three! 
Skeet. 
(Dancing.) 
Ain't that heavenly? I could just die doin' this 
dance. (They dance of L.) 

Ted ascends cautiously, looking around. 

Ted. 
It's all right. She isn't here. 

Else ascends and comes down C. Ted back of desk. 

Elsie. m 

I want an explanation and I want it at once. 
(Tapping foot angrily.) 

Ted. 
Now, Elsie, be a good fellow. Brace up. 

Elsie. 
I won't brace up. I want to know what that 
woman meant by calling you Ted. 

Ted. 
Now, don't start that all over again. I tell you I 
don't know. I never saw her before. 
Elsie. 
She evidently knows you. 



AND HOME CAME TED 89 

Ted. 
I can't help that, can I? 

Elsie. 
, And why has she hidden us downstairs in the base- 
ment like a couple of thieves? 

Ted. 
I told you all that before. She hid us down there 
because she didn't want your cousin to see us. 
Elsie. 
She doesn't know I have a cousin. 

Ted. 

Well, I give it up. Oh, darling, can't you be a 

little patient? I've got so much to worry me as it is. 

Elsie. 

And so have I. I haven't had anything to eat 

since lunch. (Sees lemonade on counter,) Oh, Ted! 

Ted. 
What is it? Elsie# 

Look there. rp ED 

The girl evidently brought the first course. 

Elsie. 
(Takes a lemonade and drinks it rapidly.) 
It tastes awfully funny. 

Ted. 
I can't stand lemonade. I hope she is going to 
bring us something else. 

Elsie. 
(Takes another lemonade and starts to drink it.) 
I never tasted lemonade like this before. 

Miss L. gives a sudden scream off L. Ted ducks 
down behind the desk and Elsie rushes back of the 



90 AND HOME CAME TED 

screen. Music stops. Enter from L. Miss L. fol- 
lowed by Doctor and Henrietta. 

Miss L. 
Oh, I never was so embarrassed in my life. 

Henrietta. 
You didn't hurt yourself, did you? 

Miss L. 
No, I don't think so. Only it was an awful jar. 

Enter Man and Diana supporting Skeet, who 
limps in an exaggerated manner. 

Skeet. 

0h > oh! A LL . 

Are you badly hurt? 

Skeet. 

I dunno but I think I cracked the floor. 

Doctor. 

You are limping? 

Skeet. 

Yes, I know it. I think I broke (pauses, feels 

ankle). All 

(Bending toward him.) 

Yes > y es? Skeet. 

My ankle feels all right. But I know I broke 
something. * 

You broke? Skeet 

I broke my New Year's resolution. 
Miss L. 

I thought you said you could dawnce all the 
fawncy dawnces. Skeet. 

I thought I could, but that fawncy dawnce was 
too fawncy for me. I got the dip and the slide all 



AND HOME CAME TED 91 

right, but when I came to the slip, that was me knock- 
out! (Limps to R.) 

v Miss L. 

Aren't you coming back and finish it? 

Skeet. 
Nope. It finished me. I'm going to bed. These 
here fawncy dawnces may be all right, but take it 
from me, I'd rather git mixed up in a football slug- 
ging match any day in the week. I see now why 
they call it the Banana dance. I got the 4 slip all 
right, all right. Good-night! (Exit R.) 
Miss L. 
(Goes to Man at L.) 
Teddy, you're a lovely dancer. I'm sure you 
wouldn't let me fall. m an# 

(Hesitates.) 
I don't know. I might do worse than Skeet. 

Miss L. 
I'll run the risk. Tell Jubilee to play a slow 
dreamy waltz. (Takes Man.) Now, one, two, three! 
(They waltz.) My, I could waltz to Paradise with 
you. (Music heard off L.) 

Man. 
Let's reverse and go the other way. (They waltz 
out at L.) 

Doctor and Henrietta stroll out at L. Diana 
crosses and sits R. Elsie reaches from screen to get 
the last glass of lemonade from the counter. Diana 
sees her arm. Diana. 

(Alarmed.) 
Oh! (Starts to screen.) What's that? 

Eesie. 
Don't look, don't look! There isn't anyone here. 



92 AND HOME CAME TED 

Diana. 

I will look. (Removes the screen.) Elsie! 
Elsie. 

Diana! Diana. 

What are you doing here? 

Elsie. 
Drinking a glass of lemonade. (Drinks calmly.) 

Diana. 

c 

But — I don't understand. I thought you were in 
school. Elsie! What does this mean? 
Elsie. 
Oh, Diana, I've done an awful thing ! 

Diana. 
Not expelled? Elsie ^ 

Worse. I've eloped. 

Diana. 

Elsie! e M ie. 

I was married at the Methodist parsonage at two 
o'clock this afternoon. 

Diana. 
Married? To Lord Vaughan? 

Elsie. 
I should say not. You've never met my husband. 
He's from New York. 

Diana. 
But think of your father. 

Elsie. 
I won't ! I'm not going to spoil my honeymoon 
that way. Every time I think of him I realize how 
miserable I am. Diana. 

Oh, Elsie, how could you? 



AND HOME CAME TED 93 

Elsie. 
You'd have done the same thing in my place. My 
husband is the most fascinating man I ever saw. 
Diana. 
You should telegraph your father at once. 

Elsie. 
Oh, Diana, he'd be here in an hour or two and 
take me back to school. You know what an awful 
temper he's got. And if he ever catches Ted — 
Diana. 

Ted? Elsie. 

My husband. Diana 

Is Ted your husband? 

Elsie. 
Yes. Do you know him? 

Diana. 
I've seen him, but I never knew he was a married 
man. Elsie. 

He said he didn't know you. 

Diana. 
Your father must be notified at once. At once, do 
you hear? This is serious. 

Elsie. 
Of course it's serious, but papa can't do anything 
now. Diana. 

He can ! He'll have him arrested for kidnapping 
or abduction or whatever you call it. 
Elsie. 
(Triumphantly.) 
He can't. I'm of age and my husband is of age 
and we're legally married with a ring and a minister 



94 AND HOME CAME TED 

and everything. And here's the marriage license. 
{Takes it out.) Diana. 

What will Lord Vaughan say? 

Elsie. 
The Lord only knows. 

Diana. 
You were engaged to him? 
Elsie. 
No, I wasn't, not really engaged. He only 
thought I was. Diana. 

It had been announced in all the papers. 

. Elsie. 
I never could marry a man like that. He's over 
forty and he hasn't any front hair at all. 
Diana. 
Oh, I don't know what to do. 

Elsie. 
I'll tell you. Get me something to eat and three 
or four more of those funny lemonades. 

Enter Molly from L. with lunch on tray. 

Mollie. 

Here's the lunch. 

Diana. 

Mollie, what does this mean? 

Mollie. 

{To Elsie.) 

I thought I told you to stay down in the base- 

ment - Elsie. 

I was looking for the lunch. 

Mollie. 
Miss Diana, this is Ted's wife. 



AND HOME CAME TED 95 

Diana. 

So she told me. She is my cousin. 

Mollie. 
Good gracious, what became of the Mamie Tay- 
lors? Elsie. 
Have you lost some one? 

Mollie. 
Those lemonades, where are they? 

Elsie. 
I drank them. Mollie. 

All of them? EliSIE# 

Every drop. (Mollie throws up her hands in 
despair.) And I'm beginning to feel so funny. 

MoLLIE. 

Funny? You'll feel worse than that in a minute. 
(Takes her arm.) You come up to my room and go 
to bed. Elsie. 

I won't go to bed until I've had some supper. 

Mollie. 
I'll bring your supper to you. (Leads her to R.) 

Elsie. 
I've got to say good-night to my husband. 

Mollie. 
I'll say it for you. 

Elsie. 
Will you? Oh, I feel so funny and I'm getting 

sl ee Py- Mollie. 

Come along. Hurry! (Hurries her out at R.) 
Diana is seated down R. Enter Man and Miss L. 

from L. Miss L. 

And now good-night, Teddy. I'll see you the first 

thing in the morning. 



96 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

(Mutters.) 
Not if I see you first. 

Miss L. 

What say? Man 

I said I had an awful thirsc. 

Miss L. 
Good-night. I wouldn't go up so soon, but I'm 
afraid little Gertrude isn't well. She had a dreadful 
attack of indigestion just before dinner. (At door 
R.) Good-night, you silly, silly boy! (Throws hiss 
at him, giggles and exits R.) 
Man. 
(Comes down to Diana.) 
What do you say to the next dance? 

I)lANA. 

(Rises, faces him scornfully.) 
No, thank you. Man 

What's the matter? 

Diana. 

There's no use trying to deceive me any longer. 

I know all about it. ,, 

Man. 

You do? DlANA 

Yes, I do. I trusted you. I never dreamed that 
you were not a gentleman. 

Man. 
I always try to be. 

Diana. 

Indeed? And what, pray, is your definition of a 
gentleman? Man 

Are you serious? 



AND HOME CAME TED 97 

Diana. 
I was never more serious in my life. 

Man. 
What have I done? 

Diana. 

Have you acted as a gentleman? 

Man. 

I think I have. -~ 

Diana. 

You have queer ideas on that subject. What do 
you call a gentleman? 

Man. 
Let me see. A gentleman is a man who takes his 
share of the world and lets other people take theirs, 
a man who is clean inside and outside, who neither 
looks up to the rich nor down on the poor, and who 
can win without bragging and lose without squeal- 
ing, a man who is considerate to women, children 
and old people, who is too brave to lie, too honorable 
to deceive and too generous to cheat. That is a 
gentleman! (Wait for applause.) 
Diana. 
Then you cannot class yourself in that category. 

Man. 
Isn't that putting it a little strong? 

Diana. 
Not half strong enough. You have deceived me, 
you have deceived everybody. 
Man. 
I only did it to help Skeet and Miss Mollie. 

Diana. 
And how about Elsie? 

Man. 
Elsie? Elsie who? 



98 AND HOME CAME TED 

Diana. 
Mj cousin, Elsie M'Corkle. You see I know every- 

thin S- Man. 

I don't know what you are talking about. 

Diana. 

You do ! She has confessed all. How can I break 
the news to her father? 

Man. 
Who is her father? 

Diana. 
You'll find out soon enough. He'll be here in the 
morning to introduce himself. 
Man. 
Indeed? DlANA 

And Elsie was engaged to Lord Vaughan. 

Man. 
Well, why don't she marry him? 

Diana. 
How can she when she married you this afternoon ? 

Man. 

I beg pardon? ' 

Diana. 

Don't try to deceive me any longer. Your wife 

is waiting for you upstairs in Mollie's room. 

Man. 

But there's some mistake. I haven't any wife. 
Diana. 

Didn't you elope with Elsie this afternoon ? Didn't 
you marry her at the Methodist parsonage at two 
o'clock? Man 

I did not. I didn't marry her at all. 



AND HOME CAME TED 99 

Diana. 

You didn't marry her? Oh, you villain. She 
thinks she is your wife. I'll telegraph her father at 

Man. 

But— 

Diana. 

Don't speak to me. Don't you dare to speak to 

me. Oh, if I were a man I'd horsewhip you. 

Enter Mollie from R. 

Max. 
Mollie can explain. 

Diana. 
Mollie, I must drive over to the telegraph office 
at once. Is the car outside? 

Mollie. 
Yes, but it's so late. You'd better wait until to- 

moriw ' Diana. 

I won't wait. I'll not sleep a wink until I have 
exposed this man. (Crosses to door C.) He told me 
he didn't marry Elsie at all. Oh, the disgrace, the 
disgrace! (Exit C. D.) 

Man 

What does she mean? 

Mollie. 

Ted eloped with her cousin this afternoon. They 
were married at two o'clock. That's why he missed 
the train. JJan _ 

Then he's here? __ 

Mollie. 

I hid him in the basement. His wife is asleep in 

my room and everything is all right until tomorrow. 

Then as soon as Stone feaves I'll introduce Ted as 



100 AND HOME CAME TED 

the real proprietor and he can take charge of the 
Inn and sign the papers. 

Man. 
And what will happen to me? 

Mollie. 
You can explain everything. Diana is a sensible 
girl. She'll listen to you in the morning. 

Man. 

She'll listen to me tonight. (Goes to C. D.) 

Mollie. 
What are you going to do? 

Man. 

I'm going to prove that I'm a gentleman. That's 
all. (Exit C. D.) 

Ted appears behind the desk. 

Ted. 
Did you get it? The supper, I mean. 

Molue. 
(Dozen R.) 
Oh, you scared me! 

Ted. 
Where's my wife? 

Mollie. 
Her cousin found her. She's upstairs in my room. 

Ted. 
I'll go up and see her. 

Mollie. 
You'll do nothing of the sort. 

Ted. 
Why not? MoLl ^ 

Because the guests mustn't see you. 



AND HOME CAME TED 101 

Ted. 
I'm not afraid of the guests. That is, I don't care 
who sees me, except Miss Darby. 
Mollie. 
Miss Darby? The Honolulu humming-bird! Do 
you know her? rp ED 

Know her? I should say I do. That's what brought 
her to New York. I used to be engaged to her. 
Mollie. 
Engaged? Ted> 

Then I found out we weren't suited to each other 
and I ran away. ,_ 

J MoLLIE. 

And she ran after you? 

Ted. 

Exactly. She's got all my letters and threatens] 
to sue me for ten thousand dollars for breach of 
promise. Mollie. 

Then back to the basement for you! Quick, she's 

in the dining room. „ 

s Ted. 

But I want my wife. 

Mollie. 

Your wife will be all right. You can see her in 

the morning. Ted 

And I want something to eat. 

Mollie. 
I'll get you a lunch. Tomorrow I'll get rid of 
Miss Darby and Doctor Stone and then you can 
take charge of the place. 

Ted. 
Take charge of it? 



102 AND HOME CAME TED 

MoLEIE. 

Certainly, I'm going to resign. This is too much 

excitement for me: ^ 

Ted. 

But I'm not looking for a place. 

Henrietta. 

(Outside L.) 

We'd better go. ^ 

s Ted. 

She's coming. ,, 

6 MOEEIE. 

Quick ! Down in the basement ! ( Ted disappears. ) 

Enter Doctor and Henrietta from L. 

Henrietta. 
(Coming down stage C, not seeing Moklie, who 
is up L.) 
It must be frightfully late. 

Doctor. 
(Close to Henrietta.) 
I never knew an evening to pass so quickly. 

Henrietta. 
You do say the sweetest things ! Do you know, 
Doctor, I never met a man who impressed me so 
favorably on short acquaintance. 

Doctor. 
And I never met a more charming lady. 

Moleie. 

(In a tone of exasperation.) 

Good-night ! 

Henrietta. 

Oh, Miss Mollie, I didn't know you were there. 

I want to speak to you. I have some jewels and a 

precious little box in my satchel upstairs. Do you 

think they'll be safe? 



AND HOME CAME TED 103 

MoLUE. 

(Dozen C.) 

The house is only responsible for articles left in 
the safe. Henrietta. 

Oh, have you a safe? I'm so glad. My little 
keepsakes mean a whole lot to me. I'll bring them 
down. (ExitR.) Moilie 

(Crosses to door L. and calls.) 
Jubilee ! 

Aunt J. appears at door L. 

Aunt J. 
Ma'am? Mollie. 

I wish you'd prepare a little lunch for me. Three 
or four sandwiches, a couple of pieces of pie and a 
glass of milk. I'll have to sit up late. 
Aunt J. 

Yas ' m - Mollie. 

And then lock up the kitchen and dining room. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. (-Exits L.) 

Doctor. 

(Up C.) 
So you expect to sit up late, do you, Mollie? 

Mollie. 
(Down L.) 

^ es * Doctor. 

(Coming down C.) 
Poor girl! You still think you can hoodwink me, 

do y° u? Molhe. 

(At L. C.) 

What d' y' mean hoodwink? 



104 AND HOME CAME TED 

Doctor. 
(Close to her, speaks savagely.) 
I mean that unless your precious Ted has an in- 
terview with Ryker tonight and signs those papers 
taking over the Inn, the place will be sold at auction. 
Mollie. 
Mr. Ted took charge of the Inn tonight, didn't he? 
He's here now, isn't he? 

Doctor. 
Oh, yes, he's here all right; but where is Ryker? 
Mollie. 
(Nervously.) 

He's upstairs. ^ 

Doctor. 

He's not upstairs and you know it. He wasn't 
here at dinner and he isn't anywhere about the place. 
I've made a complete investigation, Mollie. And so 
after all your pains you've lost the game and I take 
the trick. Mollie. 

Oh, go away and leave me alone. Aren't you sat- 
isfied with the misery you have caused me already? 
What have I ever done to you? Why are you hound- 
ing me this way? Doctor. 

I don't wish to hound you, Mollie. All I want 
is the old Inn, and believe me, I'm going to have it! 
Mollie. 
(With great energy.) 

You are not! If I have to go to the village and 
drag Jim Ryker back here by the hair of his head. 
My fighting blood is up, Ira Stone, and I defy you! 

Enter Diana from C. D. 

Diana. 

Mollie, what's the matter? 



AND HOME CAME TED 105 

MoLLIE. 

Nothing, Miss Diana. I'm only a little upset, 
that's all. Did you send your telegram? 
Diana. 
Yes. The Senator will be here the first thing in 
the morning. I'll go up and look after Elsie. Good- 
night, Mollie. (Exit R.) 

Doctor. 
Elsie? Who's Elsie? 

Mollie. 
One of the guests. If you want to go to your 
room, Doctor, don't let me keep you. 
Doctor. 
I'll go to my room when I get good and ready. 
Enter Jim Ryker from CD., disguised as an old 
man, long tan coat, old-fashioned plug hat, white 
wig and chin whiskers, large spectacles. He walks 
with a cane, is bent over and disguises his voice. 
Note : The audience must not recognize him as Jim. 

Jim. 
Evening, folks! Mollie. 

(Goes behind desk.) 
Good evening, sir. T 

This is the Rip Van Winkle Inn, ain't it? 

Mollie. 

Yes, sir. T 

Jim. 

Then I want to get a room fer the night. 

Enter Man from C. D. He stands, at rear. 

Mollie. 

All right. JlM 

I started to drive down to town tonight, but my 



Hey? 



106 AND HOME CAME TED 

old bay mare Susannah balked on me and I don't 
'low I'll do much travelin' till mornin'. Got a good 
room, have ye? Mollie. 

Yes, sir. {Takes a key from the rack.) I'll show 

y° u «P- Jim. 

{With hand back of ear.) 

Mollis. 

{Down C. to him.) 

I'll show you your room. 

Jim. 

Yep. I want a room. Of course. What d' y' 

think I wanted, a stall? 

Mollie. 

{At R. C.) 

Right up the stairs. 

Jim. 

He y ? M01.1.1E. 

{Loudly.) 

I said right up the stairs. 

Jim. 

Pairs? What fur? 

Man. 

{Comes down between Jim and Mollie.) 

Give me the key, Mollie. I'll take him up. {Leads 

Jim to R.) Jm 

Did ye unhitch Susannah? 
Man. 
Yes, I put her in the stable. 
Jim. 

He y ? Man. 

No, I didn't give her any hay tonight. I'll feed 
her in the morning. Come on. 



AND HOME CAME TED 107 

Jim. 
(Places piug hat on the desk.) 
Ain't I got to register? 

Mollie. 
(Pushes register to him.) 
Right there. JlM 

Where'll I write? (Puts on spectacles.) 
Moeeie. 
(Loudly.) 
Right there. JlM 

Here? (Points to line.) 

Mollie. 

Yes! T 

Jim. 

On this line? ,, 

Moelie. 

(Loudly.) 

Yes! T 

Jim. 

Above it er below it? 

Man. 

(Beside him.) 

Sign your name right there. (Points.) 

Jim. 

My full name? ,.. 

(Yells.) 

Yes! T 

Jim. 

I can't write. , T 

Man. 

Never mind, it'll cost you five dollars just the same. 

Jim. 

He J ? Man. 

Five dollars! (Yells.) Five! 



108 AND HOME CAME TED 

Jim. 
Alive? Of course I'm alive. Did y' think I was 
dead? Man 

I said five! (Counts on his fingers.) One, two, 
three, four, five! Jl¥> 

(To Mollie, who is at his L.) 
What's he tryin' to do? Talk deef and dumb to 
me? I can't talk thataway. (Shakes his head at 
Man, who pantomimes for him to follow him up- 
stairs.) Excuse me, mister, I didn't know you was 
deef and dumb. It must be awful to be afflicted like 
that. 

Jim and Man are down stage at R. Mollie up 
L. C. Doctor down L. Enter Henrietta from R. 
carrying jewel box. 

Henrietta. 
(Goes to Mollie.) 
There it is, Miss Mollie. Are you sure it will be 

safe? Mollie. 

Of course. (Mollie and Henrietta go to safe.) 

Ted appears back of desk, unobserved, watching 
them. Henrietta. 

That little box contains keepsakes. Some day 
they'll be worth ten thousand dollars to me. 

Mollie. 
I'll put it right here in the corner. (Puts it in safe, 
but does not lock safe, only closes it.) 

Jim. 
Wall, I reckon I'll go to bed. (Ted disappears.) 

Man. 
Right this way. (Leads him to door R.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 109 

Jim. 

He y p Man. 

Straw! {Jerks him out at R.) 

Henrietta. 

(Crossing to R.) 

Good-night, Doctor. Until tomorrow. 

Doctor. 

Pleasant dreams. 

Henrietta. 

Good-night, Mollie. 

Mollie. 

(UpC.) 
Good-night. Henrietta. 

I've had such a pleasant evening. (Exit R.) 
Enter Aunt J. from L. with lunch on tray. 

Aunt J. 
Here's de lunch, Miss Mollie. 

Mollie. 
Put it on the desk, Jubilee, and then lock up. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. (Puts lunch on desk, draws shades, locks 

C- D'J Doctor. 

I really feel sorry for you, Mollie. You're a plucky 
little Irishwoman and you put up a good fight, but 
this time I happen to hold the winning cards. (At 
door R.) If you happen to be passing this way in 
two or three weeks you'll see this place turned into 
the finest Liquor Cure in the country. (Laughs.) 
Whenever I make up my mind to get a thing, I gen- 
erally get it. (Laughs and exits R.) 
Mollie. 

I wish you'd make up your mind to get the small- 
pox. (Sits down L.) 



110 AND HOME CAME TED 

Aunt J. 
(Gets candle from behind desk and brings it to 
Mollie) 
Everything's locked up now, Miss Mollie. Yere's 
your candle. Is you goin' to bed? 
Mollie. 
(Rises slowly.) 
Yes, Jubilee, I think I will. (Lights candle.) 

Aunt J. 
Dis shore has been a strenuous day, Miss Mollie. 

Mollie. 
Indeed it has. Put out the lights. 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. (Turns out all the lights on the stage.) 
Good-night, Miss Mollie. (Exits L.) 
Mollie. 
I'll just leave the lunch on the counter and Ted 
can get it when he wants it. Well, I guess I'll go to 
bed. (Yawns.) This has certainly been a strenuous 
day for Mollie. Mr. Ryker is sure to be back in the 
morning and then I'll tell him everything. We'll save 
the old place yet. (Yawns.) My, but I'm sleepy. 
(Goes to R.) Skeet seems just as interested in 
the old place as I am. (Pause.) Or maybe it's me 
he's interested in. I wonder if he is. He's a nice 
boy, an awfully nice boy, and his heart is as big 
as all outdoors. (Yawns.) Well, there's plenty 
of work to be done tomorrow, but he'll help me. I 
can always depend on Skeet, and he and I can out- 
wit a dozen such men as Doctor Ira Stone. Skeet 
and I! (Pause.) I wonder if he likes me. 
(Sudden noise heard at window.) 
(Whispers.) What's that? (Blows out the candle, 
the stage is in total darkness.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 111 

( Jim opens the window at rear. "Creepy" music.) 
There's someone trying to get in at the window. And 
it's broken. (Listens.) 

(Jim appears at window with electric flashlight.) 
Oh! (Mollie hides behind chair at R.) 

Jim climbs in at window. He wears a long black 
coat and black slouch hat. A dark handkerchief 
conceals the lower part of his face. Note : The audi- 
ence must not recognize the intruder, so be careful 
not to allow the flashlight to shine on him. He 
flashes light around stage, but does not see Mollie. 
He goes to safe and kneels at it. Mollie creeps 
up C. until she is immediately behind him. Take 
plenty of time for this action.' Suddenly Mollie 
throws both arms around Jim's neck, forcing him 
backward to the floor. She screams loudly. They 
struggle* on the floor, Jim with the jewel box. Mol- 
lie screams again. . Jim pushes her to floor, rushes 
to window and jumps through. 

Aunt J. enters with lighted lamp. Stage lights 
up a little. AuNT j 

(At L., screaming.) 
Help, fire, murder, police, burglums, burglums, 
burglums! Mollie. 

(Rises quickly.) 
Where did he go? 

Aunt J. 
Right through the window. 

Music changes from mysterious to "hurry." Enter 
Skeet from R. dressed in slippers and pajamas, his 
hair rumpled. Skeet. 

What is it? 



112 AND HOME CAME TED 

MoEEIE. 

Quick, quick, through the window! 

(Skeet grabs the plug hat from the desk, dons it, 
rushes to window and jumps through, Aunt J. and 
Moelie watching him.) 

Curtain. 

Second Picture : Aunt J. and Moeeie looking out 
of window. 

Third Picture: Aunt J., Moklie and Skeet bow- 
ing to audience. Note: No other characters appear 
at this time, as the audience must not be allowed to 
suspect the identity of the robber. 

Curtain. 



AND HOME CAME TED 



The Third Act. 

Scene — The same as for Acts I and II, but it is now 
9:30 a. m., the next morning. The room is in 
order, the safe is closed. Strong yellow light 
through C. D. and window. 
Discovered: Aunt J. sweeping and singing. 
Aunt J. 
(Singing to a "made-up" tune.) 
Old Mistah Skeeter got bit by a bee, 
He turned around and bited. a flea, 
Flea bit a gnat, gnat bit a jigger, 
Den de whole menagerie done bit a nigger. 
(Ted raps on floor behind desk with a stick.) 
Aunt J. 
(Alarmed.) 
What's dat? (Ted raps again.) It's down in de 
basement. (In frightened whisper.) It's spooks ! Oh, 
lawsy, lawsy, burglums las' night and spooks dis 
mawnin'. It's sure time for dis yere 'spectable col- 
ored lady to git herself another situation. (Ted 
gives three distinct knocks on floor.) Um!Um! Jes' 
listen at dat. (Backing toward L., her eyes on count- 
ter.) I'm sure gwine to go while de goin' is good. 
Enter Moleie from L. Aunt J. bumps into her 

and screams loudly. 

Moeuie. 

What's the matter, Jubilee? What is it? 

Aunt J. 

'Deed an' I dunno what it is. Spooks er burglums 

er sumpin'. Miss Mollie, I likes you and I likes de 

113 



114 AND HOME CAME TED 

place, but I cert'n'y ain't got no love for excitement, 
and burglums is bad enough, Lawd knows, but now 
yere comes some spooks. 

Mollie. 
What are you talking about? 

Aunt J. 
De spooks. Mollie 

What spooks? AuNT j 

Dat's what I dunno. I was jes' a sweepin' 'round' 
yere ca'm and peaceful like, when all ob a sudden I 
yeerd it. Yas'm, I yeerd wif mah own ears. 

Mollie. 
Heard what? AuNT j 

I dunno what. It jes' went boom-boom, dataway 
down in de basement. 

Mollie. 
Oh, you heard a noise in the basement? 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm, only it was worse 'n a noise. Sounded like 
ole Brother Gabriel blowin' his trumpet for de las' 

da 3^ Mollie. 

Did you see what it was? 

Aunt J. 

Who, me? No, ma'am! No, ma'am! When I yeers 
a noise like dat all mah curiosity jes' naturally oozes 
out ob me. Mollie. 

There isn't any spook in the basement, Jubilee. It 
must have been your imagination. 
Aunt J. 

Imagination? No'm, it hain't dat, 'kase your im- 
agination don't go rappin' and bangin' round boom- 



AND HOME CAME TED 115 

boom. When mah imagination gits to actin' dataway 
I'm cert'n'y gwine to see a doctor. 

MoLLIE. 

You go into the dining room and finish waiting 
on the table and I'll see what's in the basement. 
Aunt J. 

Lawsy, Miss Mollie, don't you go down there. 
'Kase dey ain't no tellin' what's gwine to happen if 
you does. Mollie. 

Never mind, Jubilee. You go into the dining 

room - Aunt J. 

(Crosses to L.) 
Yas'm, I'm gwine, but harken to mah words, Miss 
Mollie, and don't you have no trouble wif dat boom- 
boom down in de basement. We's all liable to wake 
up yere some mawnin' and find ebry las' one ob us 
murdered plum dead wif our throats cut off. Yas'm, 
and den what's we gwine to do? (Exit L. muttering.) 
Mollie. 
(Goes behind desk and raises trap.) 
Come up. There's no one- here. 

Ted ascends. 

Ted. 

Where's my wife? ,, 

J Mollie. 

Upstairs. She's all right. You needn't worry 
about her. Tbt> 

(Starts to R.) 
I'm going to see her. 

Mollie. 
(Pulls him back.) 
You're going to stay right down there in the base- 
ment until Doctor Stone leaves this house. 



116 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 

I won't. I'm going to my wife. I don't care who 

sees me. Even Henrietta Darby can't do anything 

now. I'm married. ,, 

Molue. 

The police are looking for you. 

Ted. 

Police? Mollie. 

Yes, the police. You'd better give me that jewel 
case. Ted< 

I don't know what you're talking about. 

Mollie. 

It contained nothing of value except your letters. 

Ted. 
Has Henrietta lost my letters? 

Mollie. 
They were stolen from that safe last night in her 
jewel case. Teix 

Thank Heaven! ,, 

Mollie. 

Now you're the only one around here who will 

profit by their loss. ^ 

Surely you don't think that I stole them. 

Mollie. 
I don't know, but the police have been notified. 

Ted. 
Then if my letters are gone she hasn't anything 
on me. There's no use of my hiding any longer. 

Mollie. 
But Doctor Stone is still here. He'll see you. 

Ted. 
What do I care? Who is Doctor Stone? 



AND HOME CAME TED 117 

MoEEIE. 

The man who wants to buy the Inn. 

Ted. 
What's that got to do with me? 

Moeeie. 
If you take charge of the Inn and manage it suc- 
cessfully for a season the whole estate is yours for 
keeps. Ted. 

I don't want the estate. I couldn't manage an 
Inn, and besides I've got to get back to Washington. 

MoEEIE. 

There was an awful scene last night. Diana Gar- 
wood has telegraphed to Elsie's father. 

Ted. 
Is he here? Moleie. 

He'll be here this morning. 
Ted. 
Then I'm going to leave at once. 

Moeeie. 
He'll be here in ten minutes. 

Ted. 
And meet Henrietta? She'll give me a nice repu- 
tation to the old gentleman. 

Moeeie. 
You'd better go back in the basement and keep 
cool until she leaves. ^^ 

Can't you make her leave at once? 

MoEEIE. 

Yes, I can. Just as soon as Doctor Stone goes 
away this morning I'll tell her that she can't keep 
her room any longer. 



118 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 
Get her out of the house and I'll do anything you 

Sa ^' Moelie. 

Quick, down in the basement! Someone is coming. 

Ted. 
Please get me something to eat. (Disappears be- 
hind desk.) 

Enter Doctor from L. He wears auto cap, gloves 

and goggles. ' 

6 ss Doctor. 

Well, Mollie! 

MoLEIE. 

Not very, thank you. 

Doctor. 
(At L. C.) 
Still got a grouch on, have you? Well, I don't 

Enter Skeet from L. 

Moleie. 
Are you getting ready to leave? 

Doctor. 
For the present, yes. Your little plan didn't work 
very well, did it? The young man arrived on time 
to take charge of the Inn, but unfortunately the law- 
yer didn't show up and the papers haven't been 
signed. Pretty lucky for me, isn't it? I'm going 
down to the village and learn what became of Mr. 
Ryker, the lawyer. (Exit CD.) 

Skeet. 

Gee, it 'ud be a lucky thing fer us if somebody 'ud 

touch a match to his gasoline tank. (Goes bach of 

desk. ^ 

Enter Diana and Miss L. from L. 



AND HOME CAME TED 119 

Miss L. 

(Chattering excitedly.) 
A robbery right here in the hotel ! I simply can't 
get over it. And me with nearly sixty dollars and 
my grandfather's gold watch under my pillow. 
Diana. 
(Goes to Moi/lie at R.) 
Have you heard anything more about the burglar, 
Mollie? Mollie. 

No. The police from the village have been here, 
but they know as much about catching a burglar 
as the Ladies' Aid Society of the Congregational 
Church. Diana. 

How is Elsie this morning? . 
Mollie. 

Still sound asleep. . _ 
Miss L. 

(Coming to C.) 
Elsie? Who is Elsie? 

Diana. 
My cousin. Mr. Gilmore's bride. 
Miss L. 
(Very much excited.) 
Mr. Gilmore? Not Ted? (Grasps Diana's arm.) 
Ted Gilmore isn't married, is he ? 
Moi/lie. 
(Positively.) 
Yes, he is. At two o'clock yesterday afternoon at 
the Methodist parsonage. 

Miss L. 
(Totters toward chair.) 
Oh, I'm faint. (Sinks in chair.) Water, water! 
(Faints.) 



120 AND HOME CAME TED 

Skeet rushes off L. Diana and Mollie fan Miss 
L. Skeet enters with glass of water. Mollie 
sprinkles Miss L.'s face. 

Mollie. 

There! MissL. 

{Opening her eyes.) 
Where am I? Mollie. 

Just where you have been for the past forty years. 
Single and unattached. 

Miss L. 
Oh, the perfidy of man! (Rises.) I never want to 
look upon his face again. (Pulls locket from chain 
around her neck.) And I've had it next my heart for 
seven years. (Stamps it under foot.) Oh! (Crosses 
to R. in towering rage.) 

Mollie. 
Where are you going? 

Miss L. 
I am going to pack my things and leave at once. 
Do you think that I'd remain under the same roof 
with such a man ? Married ! And he used to call me 
Cutie! (Exits R. banging door after her.) 
Skeet. 
(At rear with Mollie.) 
Gee, I hope, nobody ever acts that way about me. 

Mollie. 
Don't worry. They won't. 

Enter Man from L. He goes to Diana at R. C. 

Man. 

Diana! Diana. 

Don't you dare to speak to me! I've just seen an- 
other instance of your perfidy. 



AND HOME CAME TED 121 

Man. 

But you don't understand. 
Diana. 
I understand entirely too much. Your wife is up- 
stairs and her father will be here in ten minutes. 

Man. 

But listen to me. I can explain everything. 

Diana. 

You can explain to Elsie and you can explain to 
her father. {Crosses to R.) Perhaps you can explain 
to poor Miss Loganberry, who's been faithful to you 
for seven years, but you can not explain to me. 
{Exits R.) Mollie. 

{Comes down C. to Man.) 

Don't worry, sir. You'd better go and talk to 
her. Tell her the truth. There's no use trying to 
deceive them any longer. We might just as well 
pack up our things and leave at once. 

Man. 
Leave? Why? Mollie. 

Because Mr. Ryker isn't here and Ted hasn't 
signed the papers. Man 

Oh, don't worry about a little thing like that. I 
signed the papers last night. 

Mollie. 
You did? Skeet , 

But that's forgery or something, in the first de- 

g ree - Mollie. 

Wasn't it dangerous? 

Man. 
What do we care for a little danger? Mr. Ryker 



122 AND HOME CAME TED 

is ready to come back to the Inn just as soon as you 
get rid of the lady from Honolulu. 

Mollie. 
Miss Darby? Is he afraid of her, too? 

Man. 
He said he wouldn't appear until she left. 

Mollie. 
That settles Miss Darby.' She'll have to go at 
once. Where is she, Skeet? 

Skeet. 
In the dining room. 

Mollie. 
Tell her I want to see her. 
Skeet. 

Sure. (Exits L.) 

K J Man. 

I think I'll go out on the tennis court and work 
off a little surplus energy. {Goes to C. D.) 
Mollie. 
You'd better see Miss Garwood and tell her every- 

thin S' Man. 

I'll see her at lunch. (Exit C. D.) 

Enter Henrietta from L. Mollie comes down 
to R. C. Henrietta. 

Have you heard anything about the letters, Mollie? 
Mollie. 

Not a word. Henrietta. 

Let me see! Where were you standing when you 
heard the noise at the window last night? 

Mollie. 
(Assumes same position as at end of the second act.) 

Right here. I was just going to bed. 



AND HOME CAME TED 123 

Henrietta. 

Were the doors locked? 

Mollie. 

Yes. Aunt Jubilee locked them and put out the 

lights. Then she went out there. (Points to door 

L.) And I was over here. 

Henrietta. 

In the dark? , , 

Mollie. 

No, I had a lighted candle. All of a sudderi I 

heard a noise at the window and I blew the candle 

out. Then I crouched down here and a man opened 

the window and got in. 

Henrietta. 

How do you know it was a man? 

Mollie. 

It felt like a man. 

Henrietta. 

Could you see him? 

Mollie. 

Not very plain. He had a flashlight, but he didn't 

see me. He went over there to the safe and knelt 

down. I slipped up behind him and grabbed him 

around the neck. TT 

Henrietta. 

That's how you knew it was a man? 

Mollie. 

Yes. I pulled him back on the floor. Just here. 

And then I screamed. 

Henrietta. 

Did he have my jewel box then? 

Mollie. 

Yes. Aunt Jubilee came running in with a lighted 

lamp. He jerked away from me and jumped out of 

the window. 



124 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
You didn't find any clews, did you? 

Moeeie. 
Not a thing. We looked everywhere, on the floor 
and on the desk and all over the room. 
Henrietta. 
Where was Skeet? 

MoELIE. 

{Te came in just after the man jumped out of the 
window. He grabbed a hat from the desk and 
jumped out after him. 

Henrietta. 
Did he see anything? 

Moleie. 
No, the man had completely disappeared. 

Henrietta. 
And my jewel box with him. You didn't miss any- 
thing else, did you? M 

Not a thing. There wasn't anything else in the 
safe, except some old books and papers and he didn't 
touch them. Henrietta. 

Have you ever heard of a young man named Car- 
penter? Mollie. 

I don't think so. (Thinks.) Carpenter? No, I 
neve-r heard of anyone named that. 
Henrietta. 
The letters in that box were of value to only one 
other person in the world, Frederick Carpenter. 
Mollie. 
How about Teddy Gilmore? 

Henrietta. 
You mean the manager of the Inn? I never saw 



AND HOME CAME TED 125 

him before yesterday? Do you think he stole my 
jewel box? Mollie. 

' No, certainly not. 

Henrietta. 
Those letters were worth ten thousand dollars to 
me. You sec, it's this way. I was an opera singer 
in Honolulu. Last year I met a rich young lawyer 
from the States and we were married. 
Mollie. 
That's good. Henrietta. 

But the marriage didn't turn out very well. My 
husband was fickle, very, very fickle. 

MOLLIE. 

Did you ever catch him flirting? 
Henrietta. 
{Laughs.) 

Catch him flirting? That's how I caught him. 

MOLLIE. 

That's bad. Henrietta. 

We were only married a short time when he was 
drowned. Mollie. 

Isn't that sad! Henrietta. 

After three or four months I met another young 
man. We fell in love at first sight. 
Mollie. 
And then? Henrietta. 

He went away and left me. 
Mollie. 
That's bad. Henrietta. 

Still we corresponded. He proposed to me in 
writing. 



126 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

That's good. Henrietta. 

But after a while he stopped writing entirely. 

Mollie. 
That's bad. Henrietta. 

But not until he had written me sixteen letters 
burning with affection. Those letters were my evi- 

deI1Ce - MOLLIE. • 

That's good. Henrietta. 

At last I read in a New York paper that he was 
paying attention to another woman. 

Mollie. 
That's bad. Henrietta. 

So I decided to follow him and sue him for a breach 
of promise. Mollie. 

And what was his name? 

Henrietta. 
Frederick Carpenter. 

Mollie. 
Are you sure? Henrietta. 
Certainly. I used to know his father in Washing- 

ton - Mollie. 

Who was the girl he married? 

Henrietta. 
Is he married? I never said so. What makes you 
say he's married? You know something that you 
won't tell. You know him. 

Mollie. 
I tell you I never heard of Frederick Carpenter 
before in my life. 



AND HOME CAME TED 127 

Henrietta. 
What made you think he was married? 

Mollie. 
I don't know; I just thought so. 

Henrietta. 
It said in the paper that he was paying marked 
attention to a Miss Elsie M'Corkle, the daughter of 
Senator M'Corkle. Did you ever hear of her? 
Mollie. 
Let me see! (Thinks.) Yes, I've seen her name 
in the society columns. 

Henrietta. 
I have a clear case against him and it's worth 
every cent of ten thousand dollars. 
Mollie. 
In case you find the missing letters. 

Henrietta. 
Well, believe me, I'm going to find them. I think 
I'll go to the hotel down in the village and see if 
I can't locate the burglar. 

Enter Diana from R. 

Diana. 
Mollie, uncle is here. I saw him from the window 
upstairs. You'd better warn Elsie. (Exits CD.) 
Henrietta. 
Elsie? Who is Elsie? 

MoLLIE. 

She's Mr. Gilmore's wife. The manager, you 
know. Henrietta. 

Oh, really I thought she might have meant Elsie 
M'Corkle. 



128 AND HOME CAME TED 

Enter Diana and Senator M'Corkle from C. D. 

Senator M'Corkle. 
Where is she? I want to see her at once. Diana, 
didn't you say that she was here? 
Diana. 
She's upstairs asleep. Now don't worry, uncle, 
she's all right. Senator. 

And where is the man? Just let me have a short 
talk with him, that's all. 

Henrietta. 
(At R. C.) 
Do you mean Mr. Frederick Carpenter, sir? 

Senator. 

(At L. C.) 

Is that his name, Diana? 

Diana. 

(At L.) 

Oh, no. His name is Teddy Gilmore. 

Henrietta. 
Excuse me. My mistake. 

Senator. 
. (Loudly.) 
Well, where is he? Where is he? I want to see 
him, d' y' hear? I want to see him! 
Diana. 
He's not here. Senator. 
Not here ! Has he run away and left her already ? 

Mollie. 
(Behind desk.) 
Oh, no. But I don't think you can see him just 
now. He's very busy. 



AND HOME CAME TED 129 

Senator. 
He won't be too busy to see me. Where is he, I 

sa J ! Diana. 

(At window.) 
He's out on the tennis court. There lie is, uncle. 

Senator. 
The fellow in white? 

Diana. 

* es ' Senator. 

He's bigger than I thought he was, but I want a 
few words with him. Just let me see him face to 
face, that's all. (Exit C. D.) 

Mollie. 
(To Henrietta.) 
Now you take the car and go right down to» the 
village. I'll have Skeet take you. Do you want 
me to help you pack? 

Henrietta. 
No, thank you. But send Aunt Jubilee to me if 

you can spare her. ^ 

J r Diana. 

Mollie, I'm going up to Elsie's room. (Exit R.) 

Moi/lie. 

(C?~osses to L.) 
Aunt Jubilee! Jubilee! 

Aunt J. appears at door L. 

Aunt J. 

YaS ' m? MoELIE. 

. Miss Darby is leaving. She wants you to help 
her pack. I'll have the car brought out for you, 
Miss Darby. (Exits L.) 



130 AND HOME CAME TED 

Henrietta. 
She seems awfully anxious to have me go to the 
village. I can't understand it at all. She acts very 
suspicious. AuNT j 

You don't think Miss Mollie stole your letters, do 

«y ou ' Henrietta. 

No, of course not. 

Aunt J. 
'Kase she didn't. I saw her on the floor and the 
burglum a-climbin' out'n dat winder. 
Henrietta. 
What did he look like, Auntie? 

Aunt J. 
Lawsy, 'deed an' I dunno. I jes' seed him run, 
dat's all. I dunno what he looked like 'kase jes' 
about dat time I frowed mah apron over mah head 
and went into de high-sterics. And I'm shore gwine 
to git me another situation. After what I seed las' 
night and what I yeerd dis mawnin', dis yere place 
am gittin' too spookatorious for me. 
Henrietta. 
This morning? What did you hear this morning? 

Aunt J. 
Ghostesses, dat's what I yeerd. Down in de base- 
ment under dat desk. Dey groan, aaah! jes' dat- 
away, and den dey go boom-boom, poundin' on d' 
trap-door, boom-boom! jes' dataway. 
Henrietta. 
Did you hear that this morning? 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. Boom-boom! jes' dataway. 

Henrietta. 
Then someone is concealed in the basement. 



AND HOME CAME TED 131 

Aunt J. 
Dat's what Fs tryin' to tell Miss Mollie, but she 
'low clat I's mistaken. 

Henrietta. 
I understand it all! This girl Elsie is upstairs and 
Frederick Carpenter is hidden in the basement. He 
bribed Mollie to allow him to steal my letters. That's 
why she seemed so anxious to get rid of me. Jubi- 
lee, the burglar is hidden in the basement! 
Aunt J. 
Lawsy, lawsy ! Is he? And all mah blackberry jam 
and watermillion pre-serbes down there! 

Enter Mollie from L. 

Mollie. 
Are you ready? 

Henrietta. 

Ready? Mollie. 

To go to the village. The car is out in front 
waiting for you. 

Enter Skeet from C. D. 

Skeet. 
Do you want me to drive her down, Miss Mollie? 
Henrietta. 
(At R.) 
No, it won't be necessary. I've decided to stay 

here - Mollie. 

If you ever expect to recover your letters you'd 
better go and see a detective in the village.. 
Henrietta. 

No. I have a better chance of recovering them 
right here in the hotel. 



132 AND HOME CAME TED 

MoLLIE. 

But I've rented your room. 

Henrietta. 
Rented it? Mollis. 

You gave it up, you know. I've put Mrs. Gilmore 
in there. Henrietta. 

ElsIe? Mollie. 

Yes. You see I thought you were going to leave 
at once. You'll have to go now. 
Henrietta. 
Can't I have another room? 
Mollie. 
I'm sorry, but everything is taken. 

Henrietta. 

It looks as if you were trying to get rid of me. 

Mollie. 

{Nervously.) 

Not at all. I only want to help you recover your 

property. Henrietta. 

I think I can do that by remaining right here. 

Mollie. 
But there isn't any room for you. Now listen, 
Miss Darby, and I'll tell you the truth. I didn't 
want to alarm you, but one of the guests is sick 
and I'm afraid it is something contagious. You had 
better go to the village at once. 
Henrietta. 
{Down R.) 
Oh, I'm not afraid. 

Molue. 
{At C.) 
It might be the scarlet fever. 



AND HOME CAME TED 133 

Henrietta. 
I was vaccinated a month ago. 

Skeet. 
Where? (Behind desk.) 

(The ladies all look at him in astonishment. He 
bends over ledger and works furiously.) 

Henrietta. 
In the doctor's office in San Francisco. 

Moklie. 
It's the yellow fever. 

Aunt J. 
(At L., who has been bending forward listening with 
increasing terror, throws up her arms.) 
Yaller fever. Good-night! (Sinks in chair at L.) 

Enter Senator from L. 

Senator. 
Young woman, send a nice little breakfast into 
the dining room and tell Elsie to come down. I'm 
just getting acquainted with my son-in-law and he's 
all right. (Exit L.) 

MOLLIE. 

All right. (Turns to Henrietta.) Now, really, 

Henrietta. 
(Impatiently.) 
Oh, don't try to think up any more excuses. I'll 
go. I can get a room at the village. I'll pack up 

at ° nCe ' MOLEIE. 

(Pulls Skeet to C. D.) 
Skeet, run and get the car. 

Skeet. 
I got you. (Exit CD.) 



134 AND HOME CAME TED 

MOLLIE. 

I'm awfully sorry. (Goes to door L.) 

Henrietta. 
Never mind. (Exit Mollie at L.) 
Aunt J. 
(Comes tremblingly to Henrietta.) 
Lady, who is it dat's got de yaller fever and de 
smallpox an' all dem ailments? 
Henrietta. 
No one. She's just trying to get rid of me. 
Jubilee, are you sure you heard someone in the base- 
ment this morning? 

Aunt J. 
Yas'm. I shore did. 

Henrietta. 
Frederick Carpenter is in this house and Mollie is 
trying to conceal him. 

Aunt J. 
Is he a ha'nt er jes' a plain burglum? 

Henrietta. 
He's a villain, Jubilee. He's the man I'm going 
to sue for breach of promise. I'm sure he's in this 
house. Come up to my room and help me pack. I'm 
going to notify the police at once. (Exit R.) 
Aunt J. 
Lawsy, lawsy, here I's gittin' mixed up wif bur- 
glums and ha'nts and Lawd knows what, and me a 
'spectable member of de Afro-American Mefodist 
Church. Scan'lous, perfectly scan'lous. (Exit R. 
muttering.) 

Enter Jim from C. D. disguised as the old man. 
He crosses down to table L. C, takes pack of cards 
from pocket and begins to play solitaire. Enter 



AND HOME CAME TED 135 

Skeet from C. D. He comes down to Jim and 
watches him. j IM< 

(Looks up at Skeet.) 
Fine mornin', ain't "It? 

Skeet. 
Sure. I'm goin' down to the village. Want a 
ri de? J IM . 

(With his hand behind his ear.) 

He y ? Skeet. 

(Loudly.) 
Want to take a ride ? A ride ! 

Jim. 
Inside? Inside what? 

Skeet. 
(Yells.) 
I said did you want to take a ride? 

Jim. 
Nope. I gotta a bad case of rheumatism, I have, 
and I cal'late I'll set 'round the house a spell today. 
' Wanter play keerds? 

Skeet. 
Naw, I ain't got time. 

Jim. 
I like a good game o' solitary myself, ef folks 'ud 
only quit pesterin' me. 

Enter Moleie from L. 
Moi/lie. 
Where's the lady from Honolulu? 

Skeet. 
I don't know. Mollie. 

Ted won't come up until she's gone and Mr. 
Ryker won't come back until she's gone, and if I 



136 AND HOME CAME TED 

don't get her out of the house soon I'll die of heart 

failure. xt 

Henrietta. 

{Outside at R.) 

MolIie! Skkkt.' 

There she is now. 

Henrietta. 

{Outside.) 

Is the car ready? 

Mollie. 

Yes, Skeet is waiting. {Goes to R.) 

Enter from R. Aunt J., dressed in an auto coat, 
cap and veil and carrying a grip. Note : The audi- 
ence must think she is Henrietta. Skeet rushes 
to her and takes her grip. Moexie stands between 
Aunt J. and the audience. 

Skeet. 
The car's all ready. Lemme take your grip. You 
gotta hurry. {Takes her arms and leads her to C. 
D.) 'Cause I got my engine all started and the car 
is liable to run down hill if we leave it standing. 
(Skeet hurries her off C. D.) 

Henrietta. 
{Off stage, behind C. D.) 
Good-bye, Mollie. 

Mollie, 

{At C. D.) 

Good-bye and good luck. {Comes down to Jim, 
who is playing solitaire.) Well, thank goodness, 
she's out of the house at last. 

Jim. 
{Looks up.) 

Moi/lie. 

Oh, it's you, is it? You'd better go upstairs. 



Hey? 



AND HOME CAME TED 137 

Jim. 

He J ? Moeeie. 

{Loudly.) 

You'd better go upstairs. We've got to clean 

up in here. Clean up ! 

Jim. 

Clean up? You think you kin clean me up playin' 

keerds? Come on and try it. 

Mollie. 

{Throws up her hands in despair.) 

Oh, what's the use? {Gets dinner bell from desk.) 

Say, if you want anything just ring this bell. 

Jim. 

U ^ ? MOLLIE. 

{Screams.) 
Bell, bell, bell! Jm 

{Shocked.) 
What kinder language is that? Shame on you! 

Moleie. 
If you need anything ring this bell. {Gives it to 

him -) Jim. 

{Puts it on table.) 
All right. I'd jest like to play a game of solitary, 
if folks wouldn't keep pesterin' me. {Plays cards.) 
Moleie. 
{Back of desk.) 
Come up, now. She's gone. 
Ted ascends. 
Ted. 
Who's gone? Moeeie. 

The lady from Honolulu. She's gone to the vil- 
lage to try and find a clue to her missing letters. 



138 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 

Where's my wife? 

Moueie. 

I'll send her to you. You needn't hide any longer. 

Stone's out looking for the lawyer and you're the 

boss now. rp ED 

Boss of what? , T 

Moklie. 

This Inn. (Jim listens, unobserved.) 

Ted. 

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't 

want to buy the Inn. 

Moeeie. 

You don't have to buy it; it's yours for nothing. 

Ted. 
But I don't want it ; all I want is my wife. 

Moi/lie. 
I'd better send Jubilee in here to watch the front 
door in case Doctor Stone or Miss Darby comes 
back. {Goes to door L.) Jubilee! 
Aunt J. 
(Off L.) 
Yas'm? You want me, Miss Mollie? 

Mollie. 
Yes. Come in here. 

Enter Henrietta from L., dressed like Aunt J. 
Moelie leads her to C. D. Ted places a chair for 
her and she sits with her back to the audience. Note : 
The audience must think she is really Aunt J. 
Moelie. 
Hurry up and sit down here. Keep your eye on 
the road and if you see anybody coming, just call. 
{Crosses to L.) I'll send your wife right down. 
{Exit L.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 139 

Ted. 
(Comes down to Jim.) 
Say, you'd better go to your room. 
Jim. 

He J ? Ted. 

Get out ! My wife is coming. You'd better beat 
it. (Loudly.) Beat it! 

Jim. 
Eat what? I don't see nothin' to eat. 
Ted. 
(Takes his arm.) 
Come on upstairs. T 

Wanter have a game of keerds? 

Ted. 
No! j IM . 

I heerd ye. All right. I'll keep on playin' soli- 
tary and I wish folks 'ud quit pesterin' me. (Plays 

solitaire.) 

y Enter Elsie from L. 

Elsie. 

Ted! (Rushes to him.) 

Ted. 

Elsie! (Embraces her.) 

Elsie. 

Where have you been? 

Ted. 

In the basement. „ 

Elsie. 

Let us get our things and leave this horrid place 
at once. Tw 

In a minute. Say, you don't look well, darling. 

Elsie. 
Well? I'm a nervous wreck. Ever since I drank 



140 AND HOME CAME TED 

those lemonades last night I've been feeling wobbly. 
Oh, I wish we'd never come to this Inn. Diana tele- 
graphed to papa and he's here now. 

Ted. 
Here? Where? Elsie> 

I don't know. Ted 

Get your hat and we'll leave at once. I don't 

want to meet papa. 

Elsie. 

(Sobs on his shoulder.) 

Oh, Teddy, I'm so m-m-miserable. 

Ted. 

(Consoling her.) 

There, there, we'll go at once. Poor little girl. 

Enter Senator from L. 

Senator. 
What's this? Elsie! 

Elsie. 
(At C.) 
It's papa. Senator. 

(Thunders.) 
Who is that man? Release my daughter! 

Elsie. 
I don't want to be released. This is my husband. 
Senator. 
(At L., astounded.) 

What! Elsie. 

(Faces him defiantly.) 
I said that this is my husband. 

Senator. 
How many husbands have you got? I just left 
your husband in there. (Points to L.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 141 

Elsie. 
(Bewildered.) 
In there? (Points to L.) 

Senator. 
That's what I said. And now I find you in the 
embrace of this young scoundrel. 

Ted. 
(Comes between them, faces Senator.) 

sir> Senator. 

Don't you try to bluff me. How dare you embrace 

another man's wife? ^ 

Ted. 

(With his face close to the Senator's.) 

She's my wife ! 

J Senator. 

She is not. Her husband is in the dining room! 

Ted. 
Elsie, what does he mean? 

Elsie. 

I don't know. ^ 

Senator. 

(Grabs Ted.) 

I'll show him to you. Come in there and face him 

and if he don't thrash you, I will! (Drags Ted to 

L., Elsie puts her arms around Ted's waist and 

tries to drag him to R.) 

Elsie. 
You let him alone! You shan't harm him. He's 
the only husband I ever had. (They push Senator 
off L. and lock the door.) 

Senator. 
(Bangs on door L.) 
Let me in ! Elsie, let me in ! 



142 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 
(At C, turns to Elsie.) 
Now I want an explanation. What does he mean 
about another husband? 

Elsie. 
I can't imagine. 

(Tenderly.) 
There isn't anyone else, is there, Elsie? 

Elsie. 
Of course not. I never wanted anyone else but 

y° u - Ted. 

Darling! (Embraces her.) 
Elsie. 
And you never loved anyone else but me, did you, 
Ted? (Pause.) Did you? ■ 

Ted. 

ver * Henrietta. 

(Seated with her back to the audience.) 

Tell her the truth. 

Ted. 

(Startled.) 

What was that? 

Henrietta. 

I said tell her the truth. 

Ted. 

(Goes to Henrietta.) 

I am telling her the truth. 

Elsie. 

What does she mean? (Goes to Henrietta.) 

Speak, woman, and tell me what you know. 

Henrietta. 

Ask him to tell you about Henrietta Darby of 

Honolulu. 



AND HOME CAME TED 143 

Ted. 

(Grabs her arms and swings her around, showing 

the audience that it is Henrietta.) 

Who are you? TT 

J Henrietta. 

(Throwing off dusting-cap.) 

Who am I? I am the woman you deserted in 

Hawaii, the woman you deceived, the woman who's 

going to sue you for ten thousand dollars, Henrietta 

Darb y ! Elsie. 

Ted, is this true? 

Henrietta. 
He can't deny it. I have the proofs. 
Elsie. 
(Totters to chair L., sinks In it and sobs.) 
Oh, Ted! Ted . 

(Rushes to her and takes her hand.) 
I tell you it's all a mistake. 
Elsie. 
(Pushing him away.) 
It's not. It's the truth. 
Ted. 

ElsIe! Elsie. 

Don't speak to me, don't look at me. Go away. 
I never want to see your face again. 

Ted. 
Henrietta! (Goes toward her.) 
Henrietta. 
Back, viper! How dare you speak to me? 

Ted. 
I'll admit I was in the wrong. 
Henrietta. 
You'll admit more than that when you are in the 



144 AND HOME CAME TED 

hands of the police. Villain, deceiver, heart-breaker ! 
( Walks up and down stage at R., wringing her 
hands.) Elsie> 

Oh, Ted! (Sobs loudly.) 

Senator. 
(Bangs at door L.) 
Let me in ! Let me in ! 

Henrietta. 
(Comes close to Ted suddenly and grabs him.) 
Give me my letters ! 

Ted. 
I haven't got them. 

Henrietta. 
(Jerks him around.) 
You have! You stole them from the safe last 

ni S ht! Elsie. 

Oh, Ted! (Sobs wildly.) 

Henrietta. 

Robber, burglar, assassin, give me my letters! 

(They struggle, she pushes him from her and he 

falls against Jim's table. Jim for the first time 

looks up from his game. He is frightened and rings 

the bell violently. Henrietta goes to door at R.) 

I'll see the police. (Ted pushes her out R. and locks 

door after her.) 

Senator. 

(Banging at door L.) 

You'll let me in or I'll get the police. 

Elsie. 

And you said I was the only girl you ever loved. 

(Sobs wildly.) Ted> 

(Goes to Elsie, kneels, ~takes her hand.) 



AND HOME CAME TED 145 

There, there! (Tries to calm her, she sobs and acts 
hysterical.) JlM 

(Ringing the bell.) 

Help, help, police! 

(Ted rushes to him and grabs the bell. As soon as 
Ted leaves Elsie she screams. Henrietta bangs at 
door R., Senator at door L.) 

Jim. 

Don't you hit me! (Raises chair to protect him- 
self.) Ted> 

(Drops bell, tears his hair.) 
Oh, what a lovely honeymoon. 
Enter Sheet from C. D., followed by Aunt J. 

Skeet. 
I took her down to the village and found out it 
was the cook. rp ED 

Quick, get some water. My wife's fainted. 

Ted unlocks door at L. Senator and Man enter 

at L ' Senator. 

(AtL.) 

Elsie! Elsie. 

(Rushes to his arms.) 
Take me away, take me away. He's in love with 
another woman. (Sobs on her father's shoulder.) 
Senator. 
There, there, go to your husband. (Passes her to 

Man -) Man. 

(Tries to soothe her.) 
There, there! Elsie# 

Let me alone. You're not my husband. I don't 
know you from Adam. 



146 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 
You don't? Well, I'm dressed different. 

Senator. 
Are you or are you not my son-in-law? 

Man. 
There's been a mistake somewhere, Senator. There 
stands your son-in-law. (Points to Ted.) 
Elsie. 
That's what I said all along. 
Senator. 
(Goes to Ted.) 
May I ask your name? 

Ted. 
Certainly, papa. My name is Frederick Carpen- 

Senator. 
Not the son of F. X. Carpenter of Washington? 

Ted. 

Yes, sir. Do you know him? 

Senator. 

(Shakes hands with Ted.) 

Know him ? I should say I do. I'd rather have you 

for a son-in-law than twenty men like Lord Vaughan. 

So would I. Elsie ' 

Enter Henrietta from C. D. 

Henrietta. 
I'm going to the village. Where is Mollie? 

Skeet. 
I'll find her. (Exit L.) 

Aunt J. 
(At rear C.) 
Does you want me to take off all dis yere auto- 
mobile fixin'? 



AND HOME CAME TED 147 

Henrietta. 
No, you may keep them. 

Aunt J. 
(Goes to L.) 
Lawsy, I ain't had so much excitement since 'Man- 
cipation Day. Dey all thought I was a white lady 
and I rode in de two-by-four tin-lizzie jes' as if I 
owned her. (Exit L., proudly.) 
Henrietta. 
I'm going for a policeman. 
Elsie. 
Oh, papa, she's going to arrest Frederick. 

Senator. 
What for? Henrietta. 

For breach of promise. First he stole my affec- 
tions and then he stole my letters. I'll have the law 
on you if it's my last act. (Exit C. D.) 
Elsie. 
Ted thought he was in love with her, papa — 

Ted. 
But that was long before I met you. 

Senator. 
And did you propose to her? 

Ted. 
I'm afraid I did. In a letter. 
Senator. 
And she has that letter? 

Ted. 
She did have it with several others. But they've 
been stolen. Senator. 

Then she can do nothing until she recovers her evi- 
dence. 



148 AND HOME CAME TED 

Enter Mollie from L., follozved by Diana. 

Mollie. 
Where is Miss Darby? 

Senator. 
{AtC.) 
She's gone. Do you know anything about those 
missing letters? {Goes up R. to Ted and Elsie.) 
Mollie. 
No, sir. I only know a burglar took them last 
night. Ted> 

I'd give five hundred dollars for them. 
Jim. 

He y ? Ted. 

{Near Jim.) 
I said I'd give five hundred dollars for the letters 
that were stolen last night. 

Jim. 
{Produces jewel casket from pocket.) 
Ye did? There's the letters! (Ted takes box, re- 
moves the letters and examines them.) 
Elsie. 
Let me see! {Goes to him.) 
Senator. 
Just a moment. Elsie, probably it would be just 
as well for you not to see them. 

Ted. 
That's what I think, too. {To Jim.) I'll give you 
a check for five hundred dollars at once. 

Jim. 
Ye needn't to mind. Jest gimme one of the letters 
and we'll call it square. 

Ted. 
Why do you want one of them? 



AND HOME CAME TED 149 

Jim. 
Jest a little personal matter. 
Ted. 
{Hands him one,) 
There you are. Jm> 

Much obliged. (Puts it in his pocket.) Now I'd 
like to finish my little game of solitary, if } r ou folks 
'ud quit pesterin' me. (Plays solitaire.) 
Enter Doctor from C. D. 

Elsie. 
Teddy, I believe you've been more sinned against 
than sinning. I forgive you ! 
Doctor. 
(Comes down C.) 
Teddy! Is that Teddy? 

Eesie. 
That's what I call him. 

Moi/lie. 
(AtL.) 
Yes, that is Teddy. What have you got to say 
about.it? Doctor. 

(AtC.) 
I say it's a bunco game and you're all a bunch of 
swindlers. Your Ted evidently didn't arrive in time 
and so you tried to pass off this man as a substitute. 
(Points to Man, who is up L.) 
Man. 
(Coming down to L. of Doctor.) 
Tried? I think she succeeded. 

Doctor. 
But what good did it do? The lawyer has disap- 
peared and you failed to sign the papers last night. 



150 AND HOME CAME TED 

Man. 

Oh, no I didn't. I signed them all right. 

Doctor. 
Impossible. Where did you get them? 

Man. 
Mr. Ryker and I had a nice long chat last night 
in his room. I signed the papers and took charge 
of the Inn. If you don't believe it, ask my friend 
here. {Points to Jim.) 

Jim. 
(Looks up from game, his hand behind ear.) 
Hey? 

(Senator, Ted and Eesie, up R., look on with 
much interest.) Man 

(Loudly.) 
They want to know if I signed the papers last 

nI S ht - Jim. 

( Emphatically. ) 

Yep. He signed the papers. 'Cause I seen him 

when he done it. Doctor. 

(Crosses to Jim's table, leans over it.)' 

And who are you? T 

J Jim. 

(Looks up at him.) 

y* Doctor. 

(Loudly.) 
I said what is your name? 

Jim. 
(Rises, faces Doctor.) 
My name is Jim Ryker. (Throws off wig.) 

Mollie and Doctor. 
Mr. Ryker ! 



AND HOME CAME TED 151 

Jim. 

He J ? Mollie. 

(Down L.) 
But why — (pause) — I thought you — (pause). 
What did you dress up like that for? 

Jim. 
In order to be here on time and yet not be rccog- 
nized by my wife. ^^ 

Your wife? JlM 

The lady from Honolulu. She's my widow. 

Ted. 

You hear, Elsie. She's his widow. (To Jim.) 

But she thinks you were drowned. 

Jim. 

She'll change her mind this afternoon when she 

learns that I have started suit for a divorce. And 

your letters are the evidence. 

Ted. 

Then it was you who stole the letters? 

Jim. 

Sure. I guess I have a perfect right to read my 

widow's love letters. 

Doctor. 

(At L. C, turns to Man, who is now C.) 

You say you signed those papers last night? 
Man. 

1 did - Doctor. 

Then you are a forger. You had no right to sign 
them at all. They should have been signed by Ted 
Gilmore. JlM 

He ? ? Doctor. 

They should have been signed by Ted Gilmore. 



152 AND HOME CAME TED 

Jim. 
(At L. C.) 
They were signed by Ted Gilmore. (Points to 
Man.) He's Ted Gilmore ! 

Doctor. 
You're dreaming. (Points to Ted.) There stands 
Ted Gilmore. Ted 

Oh, no. My name is. Frederick Carpenter. 

Eesie. 
And I just call him Ted for short. 

Jim. 
I've known Ted Gilmore for the past ten years 
and I'll take oath that that is the man. (Points to 

Man Moelie. 

I don't understand. 

Man. 

(AtC.) 

It's the truth. I am the real Ted Gilmore. 

Moi/lie. 

You are? Then why did you — (pauses). 

Man. 

Just a little romantic adventure. I accepted a 

job up here just to be near the old place and look 

over the ground. Yesterday I met a young lady 

who wanted to meet a hero, so I decided to give her 

a chance. That's all. 

Diana. 
(Down L. with Mollie.) 
Then you are not the hero of the tunnel ! Another 
deception. EnUr g KEET from L 

Skeet. 
Oh, yes he is. He's the man who pulled me out 
of the tunnel. 



ANTD HOME CAME TED 153 

MoLLIE. 

And he's the man who pulled me out of the hole. 

Jim. 
And he's the man who signed the papers. (To 
Doctor.) And that let's you out. 
Skeet. 
(Goes to Doctor.) 
Your room's taken by another party. So you're 
checked out. (Hands him his hat.) There's your 
hat, so what's your hurry. (Escorts him to the 
door.) Come around sometime next week and see 
what becomes of your Sanitarium. (Pushes him out 

C. D.) Good morning! T 

' & Jim. 

I think I'll go and clean up. (Crosses to R.) I 
think every little detail has been attended to and 
things are straightened up at last. (Exit R.) 
Man. 
(Goes to Diana.) 
Can you ever forgive me? 

Diana. 
And you're not Elsie's husband? 

Man. 
I'm not anybody's husband (pauses, looks at her 
significantly) yet. Diana. 

Well, if my friends Mollie and Skeet can vouch 
for you, I think (pauses). 

Man. 

Yes? Diana. 

(Runs up to C. D.) 
I'll meet you on the tennis court. (Runs out 

C- D.) Man . 

(Follows her.) 
And I'll be right there. Believe me ! (Exit C. D.) 



154 AND HOME CAME TED 

Ted. 
I wonder if I can get anything to eat. 

Senator. 
There's a lunch all ready in the dining room. I 
ordered it for Elsie's other husband. Come on. 
(Exits L.) Ted ^ 

Hungry, Elsie? Elsie> 

Awfully. I haven't had anything to eat since I've 
been married. But I'm just as happy as I can be. 
(They go out at L.) 

Mollie. 

Well, it's all coming out right in spite of every- 



thin 



Skeet. 



Sure it is. And there ain't another girl in the 
whole State of New York who could have put the 
thing through like you did. Say, Mollie — 
Mollie. 
Hum? (With closed lips.) 
Skeet. 
I dunno if I can say it er not. (Clears throat.) 
Ahem ! My throat is so dry I can hardly whistle. 

Mollie. 
Don't whistle. Just say what you started out to 

sa y- Skeet. 

Do y' mean it? Say, Mollie, d' you think y' could 
learn to love me without straining yourself too 
much? (She starts to speak.) Wait a minute! Don't 
answer yet, I ain't strong enough to bear it. I never 
talked like this to a girl before. Mollie, I ain't got 
much salted away in the bank. Only three hundred, 
that's all. Do you think you could? You know what 
I mean? 



AND HOME CAME TED 155 

Mollie. 
Yes, Skeet, I know what you mean and I think 

1 coukL Skeet. 

Honest! (Starts to embrace her.) 

Enter Miss L. from R. 

Miss L. 

Why, Mollle — Skeet, I'm astonished. 

Moleie. 
So am I. I never was so astonished in my life. 

Miss L. 
You should never kiss a young lady like that. 
Kiss her hand. g KEET> 

Her hand? I jes' as soon kiss a punkin. 

Miss L. 
The idea! Mollie. 

Is it against the law ? 

Miss L. 
No, I suppose not. 

Skeet. 
Then put your shawl over your eyes and what you 
don't see won't hurt you. 

Miss L. 

The idea! (Flounces out at R.) 

Skeet. 
She meant that kissing is liable tc carry germs. 
Do you think you can catch things by kissing, 

MolHe? MOLIA 

Maybe. I might have caught a millionaire. 

Skeet. 
What 'ud you say if I'd kiss your hand? 



156 AND HOME CAME TED 

MoLUE. 

I don't know. (Pauses.) I think I'll tell jou to be 
more ambitious. c 

bKEET. 

Mollie! (Embraces her as curtain falls.) 
Curtain. 




Merry Monologues 

By MARY MONCURE PARKER 

THESE selections are wholly 
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T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

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The Commencement 
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370 Pa^es of Plans, Helps, 
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A CREDITABLE and successful 
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In the College Days 

A Group of Monologues 

By LINDSEY BARBEE 

MISS BARBEE'S college plays 
have met with great success and 
for the past few years she has been 
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Dances,Drills and Story-Plays 

By NINA B. LAMKIN 
Director of Normal Course in Physical Education at North- 
western School of Oratory and Physical 
Education, Evanston, III. 




OURTEEN Folk Dances 



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Plays for Schools and Colleges 

THE HIGH SCHOOL FRESHMAN 

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THE KINGDOM OF HEARTS CONTENT 

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A POOR MARRIED MAN 

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SING A SONG OF SENIORS 

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■1117 



Standard and Amateur Plays 

Our list of plays comprises hundreds of 
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